Excerpts From President Trump’s Nightly Bedtime Calls To Sean Hannity

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This week, reporting in New York Magazine revealed that President Donald Trump and Fox News host Sean Hannity have a very intimate relationship. The relationship between the two men is so strong, in fact, that the two men talk to each other nearly every night. Hannity has been one of Trump’s loudest supporters from the beginning of the presidential campaign that ushered the alleged billionaire into office, and is now caught up in the Michael Cohen/Stormy Daniels affair as one of Cohen’s other, previously undisclosed, clients.

Now, tapes have begun to circulate to various media outlets that reportedly contain some of the near-nightly conversations held between Mr. Hannity and Mr. Trump. In the interest of public awareness, The Pastiche Post has elected to publish a curated selection and sampling of excerpts from those tapes, below.

The first excerpt comes from the first night of Trump’s presidency.

January 20th, 2017 11:56pm

TRUMP: Sean? Sean? It’s Donald. I’m all alone in this big white house and I’m a little scared, Sean.

HANNITY: Don, Don. Just relax my dude. We’ve done it! And starting tomorrow you can start on the America First agenda!

TRUMP: I can? What’s that again?

HANNITY: Don, we’ve been through this. Now you implement the America First agenda, the one where we put America and Americans — conservative, white, Christian Americans — first.

TRUMP: But I like to put myself first.

HANNITY: You can still do that, Don.

TRUMP: I can?

HANNITY: Of course! Just start having your kids take meetings with powerful foreign business interests, wrap those meetings in official State Department affairs, and sit back and profit.

TRUMP: So I can still be the most important thing in my mind, and make all my decisions based on that, and nothing else?

HANNITY: 100%, Don. That’s the beauty of all this. You did it! You convinced those simps out there you’re an every man, looking out for them, and not yourself…bigly.


[More laughter]

[Still more laughter]

[Fart Sound]

TRUMP: Gotta go now, Sean, Vlad’s on the Red Phone for me.


In the following excerpt, Hannity and Trump can’t decide who should hang up first.

August 19th, 2017, 12:15am

HANNITY: No YOU hang up!

TRUMP: No YOU hang up!

HANNITY: Okay we’ll do it together on 3, ready? 1…2…3… You didn’t hang up, Don!

TRUMP: You didn’t either Sean!


HANNITY: Okay, you hang up.

TRUMP: No YOU hang up!

HANNITY: Fine, I’ll hang up, but you have to say it first.

TRUMP: No, you say it first!

HANNITY: No YOU say it first!

TRUMP: We’ll say it together on 3. Ready? 1…2…3.



HANNITY: Hey! You didn’t say it, Don!

TRUMP: It’s good to be King.

HANNITY: Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t quit you, Don! You just keep being you!

In this excerpt, the two discuss whether Trump should fire Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

December 23rd, 2017 3:15am

TRUMP: Hannity! You awake?

HANNITY: I am now, Don. But you know you can call me at any hours you want to.

TRUMP: You’re my bitch, Sean, I know this. Anyway, what do you think we should do about Mueller?

HANNITY: Fire him. Fire the entire FBI, in fact.

TRUMP: All of them?

HANNITY: All of them.

TRUMP: But who will run the FBI? Who will even BE the FBI, Sean?

HANNITY: Me. And Sheriff David Clarke.

TRUMP: That’s a pretty good idea, Sean. I’ll run it by Vlad and see if we can get his blessing.

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.

In the final excerpt, we see Trump and Hannity discussing what Trump misses about his life as an average citizen.

March 23rd, 2018:

TRUMP: Oh man, Sean, I think I’m depressed.

HANNITY: Depressed? What are you talking about, Don?! You’re about to win a Nobel Peace Prize, because you’re about to secure the Korean peninsula! No way North Korea is going to back out and make us look like idiots for our early touchdown dance, Don!

TRUMP: Yeah, that’s cool and all, and so is all this extra cash the Trump Foundation is raking in. But you know what, Sean?

HANNITY: What, Daddy Emperor?

TRUMP: It’s been almost three years since I grabbed anyone by their pussy or even moved on them like a bitch. Sad!

HANNITY: I’m sorry, Don, but I promise that when this is all over and your tenure as president is done, you can grab all the pussy you want.

TRUMP: It’s just so long away from now.

HANNITY: Well, given how things are going with Mueller, maybe it won’t be too, too long.

TRUMP: Maybe. Maybe, Sean. Okay, you ready?

HANNITY: I’m ready, Orange Daddy.

TRUMP: Good, now…what are you wearing right now, and don’t forget to refer to yourself as Ivanka. NO REASON. I just like that name.

James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post
Satirical Facts

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