When one looks at the life and times of Donald J. Trump, one can’t help but get the image of a truly Christ-loving, America First patriot. At least that’s what those of us who have had a brain lobe removed and/or who listened to Rush Limbaugh for three decades (same thing, really, medically speaking) know and believe. So when Mr. Trump announced this week that he was teaming up with singer Lee Greenwood to release the “God Bless the USA Bible,” which can be yours for only $60, it made total sense to me.
Granted, we all know that if Barack Obama or Joe Biden or Hillary Clinton released their own Bibles, American Christian Conservatives would rightly call that “blasphemous.” However, we also all know that when a rich, white Republican man does something, it’s automatically good. Ergo, the Trump/Greenwood Bible is A-OK.
Now, given that Sleepy Bo-Beepy Biden’s economy is so bad we can’t even afford $400 a month in Let’s Go Brandon merch AND food, I figured I’d get my hands on an advanced copy of the Bibleible, and for those of you who Biden has assaulted with full-blown Commie-Nism, you can read some excerpts from it.
So here now are some of my favorite passages from the God Bless the USA Bible.
“In the beginning, the world was full of losers and haters. Then, God said, ‘Let there be Trump,’ and everything was bigly better forever, Amen.” – Genesis 1:1-2
“Then God rested on the seventh day, because he’s not smart enough to know he should have spent all seven days on the golf course pretending to work and shouting at the press about injecting bleach, or whatever.” – Genesis 1:66-69
“Have no other Trumps before me.” Exodus 12:54
“Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife, but thou shall covet thy son-in-law’s wife. Hard. Covet the fuck outta that ass.” – Exodus 20:17
“And Jesus wept because Donald Trump actually won the 2020 election, but those cuck Democrats just kept counting legally cast ballots because they’re assholes.” – John 11:35
“If your name is Ivanka, turn the other cheek and let Daddy see what you had for breakfast.” – Matthew 5:38-48
“Lo, there will be one day a baby born to a pair of rich racists, when a man in a white hood mounts and lays with a confederate flag draped over a flaming cross. His name will be Donald, and he will one day have children dumber than he is, somehow, though one he shall want to pipe out. Hard.” – Mark 5:24-45
“The Good Samaritan was a commie bitch.” – Luke 10:25
“Treat the stranger in your land like a brown-skinned little terrorist.” – MAGA 666:1-2
“It is easier for a rich man to fit through an eye of a needle because he has a lot of money and can just pay some idiot in a red hat to tell everyone he fit his fat ass through that needle’s eye.” – Bannon 5:45-47
“If math hurts your feelings, storm a capitol about it.” – The Book of Stephen Miller 4:3
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