Eric Trump in Hospital With Nearly Melted Hands Because Tried to Destroy His Burner Phone

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Recently, reports have surfaced that on January 6th, 2021, members of far right groups such as the Oath Keepers and Proud Boys were in contact with the Trump family and presidential administration officials using burner phones. Thus far, the Trumps have denied such allegations, however now that the least smart among them is in the hospital with what doctors are calling “nearly melted” hands, doubts about their denials have begun to foment.

Just after lunchtime today, Dr. Darrell Diqchest told reporters that Eric Trump was admitted to St. Joseph’s of the White Collar Criminal Memorial Hospital early this morning. Trump’s hands, Dr. Diqchest divulged, were burned so badly, they were nearly melted completely off his arms. At first, Diqchest says that Trump was reluctant to say exactly how he managed to nearly melt his hands off. However, after some gentle prodding and some milk and cookies, Eric was calmed down enough to tell the story.

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“What Mr. Trump told us was that he was instructed by someone very close to the family to destroy his phone, and when Eric smashed his regular cell phone with a hammer, he was then informed they meant his other phone; the burner phone,” Dr. Diqchest divulged. “Hearing that, our patient knew what he was being asked to do, and he doused his burner phone with gasoline, lit a match, and dropped it ono the phone. Except he forgot to drop the phone before doing that last part.”

Dr. Diqchest indicated that Trump would make a full recovery.

“The good news is that Eric should be fine, in the end. And in fact, since he didn’t suffer any head trauma, once his wounds heal nobody will be able to tell this ever happened,” Dr. Diqchest explained. “He’ll be just as stupid, racist, inept, and corrupt as he ever was. Which in the medical community, we consider a success when our patients’ way of life isn’t impacted by their injuries.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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