SILICON VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Elon Musk has wanted to bring worldwide internet service to the globe for the last two years, and that is one of the initiatives his SpaceX company has been undertaking in its Falcon rocket tests.
In 2016, Musk requested permission from the U.S. government to operate a network of more than 4,400 satellites. The purpose of that network would be to deliver broadband internet speeds to the masses, all over the world. Bringing broadband speed internet to the poorest of areas could end up providing a much needed technological and economic boost, Musk and SpaceX believe.
This morning, Mr. Musk told his investors that he’s creating a new, separate company, and that new company will take on a small portion of the global broadband initiative.
“We’re really stoked to announce the formation of SpaceXXX, which will provide terabytes of hardcore fuck action to the poorest among us for a fraction of normal broadband costs,” Musk announced.
SpaceXXX will begin its tests with a new rocket series, as well.
“At this same time, we’re pleased to announce the SpaceXXX project will be conducted using launches from our Heavy Fuckin’ Pocket Rockets,” Musk said, pride in his voice. “These rockets are amazing. The biggest, most advanced ones to date. And they look like big penises, so that’s pretty fitting.”
Musk says hat splitting his broadband service between traditional and adult content will have many advantages, but one major disadvantage.
“We’re going to need way more bandwidth for the porn,” Musk said. “Our studies show that roughly 97% of Internet traffic is porn related, and the rest is angry political rants and kitten photos.”
During the same press conference, Musk announced a couple of other new projects he is pursuing.
“SpaceXXX is going to be absolutely totes dope, there’s no doubt about it,” Musk said. “But I’m also excited about the Mars Leash we’re developing, which will let us yank Mars colonists back to Earth with just a simple tug. And we’re also working on a chili that you can really stand your fork up in, even in zero gravity.”
SpaceXXX will begin test flights of its Fuckin’ Heavy Rocket this fall, Musk said.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
