SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — This morning, a new social media platform was announced, run by a household name synonymous with tech innovation.
It’s no big secret, thanks to the reporting done by this website, that tech titan and likely world’s smartest man Elon Musk has his eyes on acquiring Facebook in order to delete it, but up to this point, it hasn’t been clear just exactly why Mr. Musk has his sights set on Mark Zuckerberg’s social media site.
As we reported last week in a column that is sure to garner a Pulitzer-ish award, Musk told his lead tech Billy he wants to buy Facebook so he can ultimately wipe it from the Internet.
Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”
“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.” (Source)
Though the story of Musk’s intentions to buy Facebook was widely shared and discussed these past few days, no one has known until this morning why he wanted to buy it in the first place. At a press conference announcing the next few projects for his Boring Company, Musk finally told the world why he has plans to buy Facebook and remove it from the Internet forever. In short, he plans to build his own social media platform.
“I know a lot of you are here to find out what the Boring Company is doing these days, and we’ll get to that,” Musk said as he spoke to the press. “But I want to just take a moment and talk about that whole Facebook thing. Yes, I want to buy it, don’t believe the so called fact checkers just because they have facts. Anyway, I want to buy and delete it because I’m going to start MySpaceX soon, and I want to clear some of the competition out of the way.”
There will be some similarities between Facebook and MySpaceX, Musk said.
“You’ll have friends lists, and you will be able to still poke people and wave at them,” Musk said. “MySpaceX will also be a great platform for stalking ex lovers and seeing which one of your high school classmates became the most racist.”
Despite those similarities, however, Musk still says that his new social media platform will “blow people away” and he gave people in the room one example of the differences he says will set his site apart from that of Zuckerberg’s.
“We’re not going to mine your personal data and then sell it,” Musk said emphatically. “We’re going to mine it and then shoot it off into space on a really neat-o rocket ship and then we’ll sell your data to any aliens we encounter. Neat huh?”
Facebook could not be reached for comment.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
