After I changed my cell phone number this morning, it occurred to me that someone out there might be interested to know why. I had to change it because somehow a really annoying Incel got a hold of it and called me on it a couple of hours ago.
Once I got off the phone with Elon Musk, I called up my cell service provider and had them give me a brand new phone number.
Of course, I also blocked Elon’s number as well. If you ever get a call from a (666) area code, it’s probably him, so you’re going to want to bounce it and immediately change your cell number, too. Unless you like the idea of people with Epstein Air frequent flyer miles calling you up out of the blue.
What follows is a partial transcript of my call with the billionaire hair plug recipient.
JAMES: Hello?
ELON: ‘sup libtarded snowflake cuck-ass-biiiiitttch?
JAMES: …
ELON: I said: ‘sup libtarded snowflake cuck-ass-biiiiitttch?
JAMES: …
ELON: (To Someone Else) This stupid idiot not only isn’t rich, he doesn’t know how to answer the –
JAMES: What do you want, Elon? How did you get my number?
ELON: Buying the presidency comes with certain perks, idiot.
JAMES: Being called an idiot by a pedo isn’t really an insult, is it?
ELON: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME, YOU FUCKING RETARD?!
JAMES: Okay, I have to go now, Elon.
ELON: No! Wait! I need more attention!
JAMES: I know. That’s why I’m hanging up now…
ELON: Fine, but then I guess you’ll be the last person to know I’m the one who invented the presidency.
JAMES: Oh? I always thought it was the guys who wrote the Constitution. How long did you know James Madison before you were born, Elon?
ELON: LOLwut, jeez bro. I can see now why you never reached the heights of comic hilarity that The Babylon Bee did with your level of intellect. I never knew James Madison, bro.
JAMES: I’m confused.
ELON: Of course you are. You’re a libtard.
JAMES: Okay, sure, but explain to me again how you invented the presidency.
ELON: The same way I started PayPal and Tesla, and also invented electric cars and space travel. Fucking duh.
JAMES: Right. Which is to say you invented them because you –
ELON: Bought them, yes. Exactly. Way to hit your reader over the head with the joke, dude. I’m sure the one guy who reads this will think that was clever, or whatever.
JAMES: Okay, well, is there anything else, Elon?
ELON: Nah, but can you hang on for a couple minutes and talk to my good buddy Adrian Dittman about what a tremendously cool and handsome guy I am?
I hung up.
Maybe check out this episode of Into the Garbage Chute, our sketch comedy show?
