Of Course Elon Will Let You Call Him a Pedo on Twitter Once He Buys It. He Loves Free Speech.

The following is an editorial submitted by Chad Schittsworth, a senior fellow at the Dicking Institute, a conservative think tank dedicated to “Three F’s of Conservatism: Freedom, Faith, and Fascism.” The views and opinions expressed are those of Mr. Schittsworth, and not necessarily those of this outlet, its ownership, or staff.

If you were to take a poll of Twitter’s more left-leaning users right now, you’d probably find a massive current of angst and despair. Apparently, news that Twitter’s board is going to accept Elon Musk’s bid to buy the company after all was too much for many liberal tweeters to handle, and now they’re all convinced, for some strange reason, that a billionaire having access to and direct control over information that could change world events forever is maybe a bad thing.

MORE: Florida Bans Education

I get the feeling, odd as it may seem to those of us who know that mayonnaise is all the spice you’ll ever need, that many don’t trust Elon Musk to really protect freedom of speech. They’ll cite some instance or another of Elon abusing his power and lashing out after his feelings got hurt by someone criticizing him. These people seem to think that Musk will try to control speech on Twitter, just to his own liking.

In fact, I’ve seen some people ask whether or not Musk will even be able to handle criticism of himself, once Twitter is his to do with as he pleases. I saw one person ask the hypothetical question of, “What happens when I call Musk a pedo on Twitter after he buys it?”

I hate to break it to you, Internet Question Asker, but the answer is: Nothing.

In fact, if anything happens after you call Elon a pedo on Twitter, I bet it’s that he personally sends you $10,000 as a thank you! Because everyone knows Elon Musk cares about free speech more than anything. His free speech. Then, eventually, at some point, way later down the line, he totally cares about all our free speech.

You know, like every billionaire who cares about humanity more than himself.

I highly encourage everyone with a Twitter account to log in, and just tweet “@elonmusk is a groomer and a pedo #elonthegroomingpedo” and I am sure you will see just how no big a deal it is! You can wait for Elon to control of Twitter, or you can do it now if you want your mentions to be flooded with unwashed, angry incels insisting you’re a literal demon and you eat babies.

The point I’m trying to make here, of course, is that once again liberals are up in a lather or something that is just not worth that much hysteria. It’s not like a gay teacher telling their kids what his husband does for a living, and it’s not a law school professor having a nuanced and fact-based discussion of laws surrounding race in this country, for goodness sakes!

Trust me. Elon Musk will have no problem with you using your freedom of speech to call him a groomer and a pedo once he owns Twitter, and I’m begging you to take me up on this theory.

https://youtu.be/kEAxbv5Dkac

MORE: Trump Can’t Wait for Musk to Own Twitter So He Doesn’t Have to Post on Truth Social

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.