SPRINGFIELD, SYRIA —
A man claiming to be one of the executioners in a video released by ISIS has started a new YouTube channel. The CIA, NSA, FBI and the NCAA are all attempting to verify the veracity of the man’s claims of connection to the extremist religious group that has further destabilized a region that was already unstable thanks to the Bush Administration’s “Operation Cock-Up the Middle East” — known in other circles as The Iraq War. Should they conclude the man is an actual executioner for ISIS, the video will likely gain even more notoriety here in the United States for political reasons.
In the video, the man takes time out from pontificating about the destruction of the Western World and also why “did they have to cancel that show with Balki Bartokomous” to declare the he was officially endorsing Dr. Ben Carson for the 2016 presidential election to be held in the United States. “After reading his comments about abandoning the Geneva accords, I was like ‘That dude gets what being a religious fanatical sociopath with a penchant for blood letting in the name of alleged peace is all about!'” says the man during his endorsement.
The alleged executioner was referring to comments Dr. Ben Carson — the evangelical, conservative Christian known for his appearances on Fox News blasting the moral degradation of the modern age — made about warfare on that same channel earlier this week. Carson told the Fox News host “our military needs to know that they’re not going to be prosecuted when they come back because somebody has said you did something that was politically incorrect” and that in his mind there is “no such thing as a politically correct war.” Carson also said “we have to win” because our “life [sic] depends [sic] on it.”
“This dude totally gets what war against your immoral enemy is all about,” says the man in the video. “You don’t pull punches when you’re waging war! Beheadings, burning people alive, I bet Dr. Carson digs all that shit.” The man pauses, reflecting a bit.
“Damn! That guy should join the shit outta us! He’d make one hell of an ISIS fighter.” Then the man listed Carson’s traits that make him an ideal soldier for the Islamic State. “Extreme religious zealot? Check. Depraved indifference for the lives of your enemies despite claiming to represent and care about peace on Earth? Check. A desire to use your religious beliefs as a cudgel, bludgeoning society in submission and turning it into a theocracy? Check. This guy is pretty much already an ISIS fighter; he just doesn’t realize it yet,” said the executioner at one point int he video.
When reached for comment, Jesus Happy-Pants Christ — the man at the center of Ben Carson’s religion — told us, “Yeah, Carson’s an outright loon. I mean, I love him anyway because that’s just sort of my schtick, but man he does not get me at all.” When asked for clarification Jesus said, “I mean, I came here to like, you know, tell people to stop all that war stuff and to love your fellow man. I came here teaching tolerance and respect. And Carson’s out there talking about how not only is war this thing that is inevitable, but that we should relish in the brutality of it.” Christ paused, and then said in a clearly exasperated tone, “I’m the guy who said to ‘turn the other cheek’ for Me sake!”
At the end of the video, the executioner looks into the lens from behind his mask and laments, “The sad part is though, Dr. Carson and I could never get along. Our imaginary friends are mutually exclusive to guys like me and him. So even though we have butt-loads in common, he and I will never see eye-to-eye, and in a super-duper bit of irony, we want to kill each other’s friends and families too, despite having so much in common ideologically. Oh well, time for some more ‘ALF’ re-runs. Later YouTubers!”