The Easter Bunny Plans to Give Plan-B and Contraceptives to Red State Teenagers

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“Did you know there have already been thousands of rape pregnancies as a result of letting states ban abortions? [That] sounds absolutely ghoulish to me. And you know who else agrees with me? Jesus.”

You can probably imagine how surprised I was to get the call this week. After all, it’s not that often that one has any interactions with magical creatures, even less so when they’re in the middle of one of their busiest seasons of the year. But, there I was at home when I got the call.

“James? Is this James,” the voice on the other end of the line asked, almost as if they knew already who I was. I confirmed for whoever was on the other end that it was, in fact, James. “I know it is.”

Then came the first surprise of the call.

“This is Roger T. Easterbunniferous, but most people call me The Easter Bunny,” the voice said.

Now, the soft, gentle lilt in the voice made more sense. So did the fact that every so often I’d hear them munching a carrot.

“Anyway, I was just calling because out of the 8 billion people on Earth, you’re literally the best person to break this news for me.”

“What news, Mr. Easterbunniferous,” I asked with breathless anticipation.

“Well, as you know Saturday night I’m gonna be out dumping baskets on kids all over America,” Easterbunniferous told me, “and I thought you might like to know that I have special plans for kids who live in the red states.”

I think he could tell I was still in a bit of shock about getting a call from The Easter Bunny, and therefore still kind of speechless, because Mr. Easterbunniferous just kept right on talking.

“I’m gonna make sure I include Plan-B and contraceptives in every single basket I drop off to teenagers living in states like Alabama, Texas, and Florida. Did you know there have already been thousands of rape pregnancies as a result of letting states ban abortions,” he asked me, “which just sounds absolutely ghoulish to me. And you know who else agrees with me?”

He didn’t give me much of a chance to think before answering his own question.

“Jesus. That’s who. Jesus Hubert Christ told me he thinks this is a great idea,” Easterbunniferous  said proudly. “He told me he can’t figure out who in the Hell gave all those Christian fundies down here the idea that he wants women to be sex slaves from the age they start their periods, so he told me not only does this have his blessing, he put me in touch with the folks who make Plan-B and they gave me an incredibly good bulk rate on those pills.”

Easterbunniferous told me he had to get going, but he said he was grateful that I’d help him get the word out about what he was giving red state teens this year.


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