Donald Trump Promises to Bring America to Chapter 11 in First 100 Days

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NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald J. Trump announced a new initiative and goal his presidential administration will strive to achieve in its first 100 days in office.

“Everyone knows I’ve been such a yooge winner in this life because I know how to take full-advantage of all the advantages I have that others have not had,” Trump told reporters. “So whether it’s getting a small one million dollar loan from my father, or running several businesses into the ground and using the country’s bankruptcy laws in such a way that only shareholders and employees are truly impacted, people know that I know that they know that I know that they know that I know how to win, even by losing.”

Mr. Trump said that within his first hundred days in office he will bring his “considerable business reputation” to the White House and make the U.S. government “very much resemble” his other businesses.

“I’m going to have this country filing Chapter 11 within 100 days or my name is Donaldus Q. Drumpf,” the reality-TV star told the press. It’s important for the U.S. to file Chapter 11, Trump said, because “that’s how you win, by blowing through money irresponsibly and just calling for a ‘do-over’ and shit.”

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said he was “puzzled” and wasn’t sure that the government could even file bankruptcy in the first place.

“Look, I’m a Republican but even as someone who believes in the myth of Trickle Down,” Speaker Ryan said, “I can’t make heads or tails of this plan of Trump’s to have us file Chapter 11, and I’m not even sure that’s legal or possible. Still, he’s a Republican and I will support him because it’s better to have a buffoon and idiot in the Oval Office than a Democrat, that’s for sure.”

Not everyone thinks Trump’s Chapter 11 goal is a bad one. One of his most ardent supporters, a bag of actual cat shit, told us she thinks this is a “splendiferous and purrrrfect idea.”

“I may be an inanimate bag of cat feces,” Catshitbag Malloy told us, “but I happen to think Donald Trump is brilliant, has the best ideas, and will totally make America great again. But remember, I’m just a bag of literal cat shit, so take what I say with a grain of salt.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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