OSLO, NORWAY — It finally happened.
This morning, after years of openly campaigning for one, former one term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump has won a Nobel Prize. In fact, he didn’t just win a singular prize. Trump managed to snag himself two awards.
In an announcement, the Committee for Deciding Who Gets a Nobel Prize stunned millions, calling Trump’s accomplishment “noteworthy and historic.” It marks the first time any president — past, or present — has won two Nobel Prizes. Barack Obama famously won a Nobel Prize the first year he was in office, and would go on to prove just how much the peace prize is worth by killing thousands of civilians in drone strikes, carried out under the guise of “national security.”
“This morning, the Committee for Deciding Who Gets a Nobel Prize awarded the Nobel Prize in Impeachment to former President Don ‘Mushroom Dong’ Trump,” the announcement proclaimed. “Mr. Trump will also receive the Nobel Prize in Being a Crybaby Sore Loser Bitch Boy.”
The announcement stateS that Trump “could and should be the only man ever qualified” to win either award. The committee chose him this year because Trump “exemplified true whiny bitch expertise” by continuing to lie about losing to Joe Biden last year. Trump’s historic legacy of two impeachments was “too much to ignore,” the committee said.
“It takes a real, titan of failure and stupidity to get impeached, lose an election, lose an insurrection, and then keep right on acting like a crybaby sore loser bitch boy,” the committee said, “and then get your ass impeached a second time because you might have tried to do a coup and lost that as well. For his ability to cover himself in ignominy and hilarious embarrassment and failure, Don ‘Daughter Lust’ Trump has won these awards. Bigly.”
In his own written statement, which he could not post to his own social media accounts, Trump thanked the committee and showed the world why he got his Nobel Prizes.
“This is a great, wonderful honor. An honor Barack HUSSEIN Obama and Sleepy Ko Keepy couldn’t ever get themselves,” Trump wrote. “While I will never get over the pain and horror I live through because I had the election stolen from me, and believe me we are compiling the best, most believable evidence ever to back that claim up, and we’ll show it to you as soon as we can, winning these two awards will, at least in the short term, help me feel a little bit better about that.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.