The 1912 presidential election was historic for many reasons. Most notably, it was an election that saw three strong candidates slug it out, resulting in one candidate actually leaving one of the major parties to form his own, third party. That man was Teddy Roosevelt and his American Progressive Party — dubbed the Bull Moose Party because Roosevelt was famously quoted as saying, “I feel like a bull moose,” shortly after the party was formed. It would seem that among his many academic plaudits, 2016 Republican candidate Donald Trump is also a presidential historian as word has leaked out of the Trump camp that he is considering a third party run, and some even more closely-guarded information from even deeper campaign sources say Trump is seriously mulling a Rooseveltian move — creating his own party this time called The Bull-Shit Party.
“Our polling shows that when people think of Donald Trump,” acampaign staffer told The Political Garbage Chute under promise of anonymity, “they already think ‘bullshit’ 92 percent of the time. Mr. Trump thinks it might be time to capitalize on that association and form a new, bold party devoted to putting out the most harsh, stupid, racist and downright factually bereft rhetoric possible. You know the kinds of things where we accuse Hillary Clinton of secretly wanting to bring ISIS agents in from the Mexican border so she can declare martial law and dominion over the entire country without the help of Congress or the Supreme court. That kind of bullshit will be what girds the Bull-Shit Party.”
One source close to the Jeb! campaign told The Political Garbage Chute that their candidate would “be quite pleased if Mr. Trump took his bombast somewhere else, as long as he didn’t take the rabid racist base he has fired up for the GOP, of course.” The Jeb! staffer also said that his boss “would also consider pandering to the Trump supporters by making him his running mate, provided Mr. Trump promises to keep it to one or two racist comments a day.”
“Mr. Trump is of course already widely respected by all people who aren’t total losers,” the anonymous Trump aide told us, “but he also wants the whole world to understand just what exactly a Trump White House would be built on — bullshit. Pure, unadulterated bullshit. After all, this is a guy who nearly eight years in is still clinging to birtherism. This is a guy who tries to paint himself with a straight face as a genius in business despite the whole world knowing he’s got almost as many bankruptcies as marriages under his belt. To that end, he’s running on the ‘family values’ party’s ticket and he can’t stop serial-marrying people. Though neither can Limbaugh or Gingrich, so he’s safe there.”
Long time denizens of The Hill are still quite convinced that Trump’s attention grabbing campaign will eventually flame out. One Republican pollster told us, “He’s got the right message of course — that immigration is bad because science shows at least 85% of all Mexicans are murdering rapists, but we just don’t think he has the stamina to see this thing all the way through.” One Democratic fundraiser said they think Trump will eventually get bored with this latest game he’s playing and go back to reality TV, but that they hope he stays in the race just long enough to ensure that if his party put up a sock with marbles in it against the Republican, President Marble Sock would be taking office in January of 2017.
“Clearly Trump being in the race is a good thing for Hillary, Bernie, Martin, or pretty much any carbon based life form that won’t be vying for the same votes he is,” William Smith of Polling You Hardcore, a Maryland based non-partisan polling company. “He’s going to energize the same people to vote for him the rest of the country is terrified having control of the government. If the Republicans thought 2012 was a beat down, they should let Trump keep going and see what happens. Then again, if he forms a third party, does anyone really think he’ll split votes from the Democrat? Of course not. So I say, let him go.”
Ross Perot, reached for comment said, “Yup, Trump can totally do to the Republican candidate in 2016 what I did to the Republican candidate in 1992 — fuck it up for them. YEE HAWWWW!” Perot of course famously ran for president as in independent in both 1992 and 1996, though his first run was his most successful run, and it his presence was considered in some circles to be the defining moment that allowed Bill Clinton to be elected that year.