Super Rich, Racist, Fat, Orange, Fuckface Billionaire Using Other People’s Money to Pay His Smarmy Slimebag Attorney Bills

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Several outlets report that President Donald Trump is using money from his campaign war chest, and from the Republican National Committee’s coffers, to cover legal fees associated with the ongoing probe into Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election. As reported by CNBC, the use of campaign funds donated by private citizens is allowed under federal election law, and candidates routinely use such funds to cover legal fees, however, not in the way Trump is doing so.

While previous presidential campaigns have used these funds to pay for routine legal matters such as ballot access disputes and compliance requirements, Trump would be the first U.S. president in the modern campaign finance era to use such funds to cover the costs of responding to a criminal probe, said election law experts. (source)

Trump’s use of private campaign funds to pay legal fees for a criminal probe is a significant first in presidential history, but Dr. Phillip Logray of the Institute of American Political Know-It-Alls told assembled media representatives today that it’s historic for another reason.

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“Trump is of course already a historical president in the same way that Barack Obama was,” Dr. Logray told reporters, “Mr. Obama was our first black president, and Donald Trump is our first super rich, racist, fat, orange fuckface billionaire president. So, therefore, this is the first time a super rich, racist, fat, orange, fuckface billionaire president has used other people’s money to pay for his legeal fees to cover the costs of a criminal probe into a super rich, racist, fat, orange, fuckface billionaire presidential campaign’s possible collusion with a foreign adversarial government to hack his political opponent.”

Mr. Trump, leaving the White House for his nightly Big Mac and deep fried Quarter Pounder with cheese run, was stopped by reporters and asked if he believed what he was doing was ethical. Trump assured the press, and the nation, that everything he’s doing is “bigly okay and ethical as eff.” He laughed off any concerns expressed by critics on either side of the aisle.

“I pay really smarmy slimebags who went to law school a lot of dough, okay, to tell me what I want to hear, but in a real, you know, LAWYER-Y way, if you know what I mean,” Trump told reporters, making a little circle around his crown to indicate a Hebrew yarmulke, “and they tell me this is all good in the hood. Really, they said it. Their words, not mine. All good in the hood, Don, they told me. And you know that you can trust a smarmy slimebag attorney when he tells you this. So I’m good. And even if this were illegal, whatever, I’m president-God-emperor now, right? It’s in the Constipation, in the Bowl of Rights.”

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Dr. Logray believes that President Trump may end up having his name carved in the annals of presidential history for many reasons, whenever his time in the Oval Office comes to a close.

“Whether that be in seven years, seven months, seven days, or seven minutes,” Dr. Logray said, “Donald Trump could be the first only president to be impeached and removed from office, sure, but that could happen again, and maybe he’d be forgotten over time. But no one will ever forget the first super rich, racist, fat, orange, fuckface billionaire having to resign in disgrace as the result of a criminal probe he was paying the attending legal fees in response to with private campaign donations.

Trump told reporters he thinks his supporters are “totally friggin’ honored” to help pay his lawyers.

“My people know one thing — I hire only the best. And so when it comes to a smarmy slimebag attorney, I’m only going to hire the best smarmy slimebag attorney money can buy,” Trump said, “and I’d be a damn fool — and a shitty businessman — if I didn’t let someone else help me defray those costs, to the tune of one hundred percent.

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