BOCA DE MIERDA, FLORIDA — Last week, the National Council for Researching and Looking Into Stuff released the findings from a new report that threatens to shake the country up, and perhaps could have political implications. Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, Chief of Research at the NCRLIS, held a press conference to announce the results of this potentially earth-shattering study.
“As everyone is aware, NCRLIS has been researching and looking into stuff for over 150 years,” Hornaydieux began the presser, “and I cannot lie; this study is perhaps the most important one we’ve ever done. It’s also one of only a handful of studies I can remember making me this nervous and frankly excited to talk about. After three years of doing hardcore, serious science stuff, we can say with great confidence that Donald Trump Jr is an even bigger piece of shit than his father.”
The room suddenly grew very still. Though Dr. Hornaydieux already had everyone’s attention, the tension in the room amplified greatly at the announcement of the study’s initial, high-level findings. It’s long been hypothesized that President Trump and his son are both enormous pieces of shit, and there has always been “ample anecdotal evidence” of each of their piece-of-shitness, the doctor said. However, Hornaydieux says that the fact that he and his team have been able to prove that the younger Trump is actually a bigger piece of shit than his namesake father, could “fundamentally change everything we thought we knew about the First Crime Family.”
The team at NCRLIS examined multiple factors when attempting to determine if one Donald Trump was a bigger piece of shit than the other. All along the way, Hornaydieux explained, it was never quite clear just what the results would be. Just when researchers at the lab thought they’d nailed down who was the bigger piece of shit, one or the other would tweet or say something in an interview that completely upended the research and put them ahead of the other.
“It was really touch and go figuring this out,” Hornaydieux said. “Figuring out who is the bigger piece of shit between Trump and Trump Jr is like trying to figure out who’s dumber between Trump and Trump Jr. There are some things even we scientists think we’ll never truly be able to figure out.”
Pushing the reults toward Donald Jr’s favor, in part, was his age.
“They’re both entitled, rich, spoiled white assholes who never had to work for literally anything in their lives and yet can’t stop themselves from telling others how lazy or entitled they are,” Hornaydieux said, “but Donald Jr is young enough to know better than to think being white is something you put down as a special skill or an accomplishment on a job application. He’s young enough to see what a buffoonish, racist clown his father has been his entire life. Yet, when it comes right down to it, not only does Junior say the same things his father does; he repeats them.”
But what really makes Trump Jr the bigger piece of shit between he and his father is his “unabashed, cringey, desperate attempt” to get his father to sing his praises.
“No one sucks up to Donald Trump like Donald Trump Jr,” Hornaydieux said, “and that’s saying something when your sister is Ivanka. But it’s true! Almost every tweet of Junior’s is just a sad, pathetic way of rephrasing, ‘Please love me, Daddy.’ What kind of piece of shit tries to get on a piece of shit like Donald Trump’s good side? I’ll tell you what kind of piece shit — Donald Trump Jr. That kind of piece of shit.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.