Don Jr: “Putin Would Be Too Occupied With Daddy’s Mouth to Invade Ukraine!”

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If his father hadn’t lost both the 2020 election and the 2021 insurrection, Donald Trump Jr is convinced that Russian President Vladimir Putin would not be invading Ukraine right now. That’s what he told Sean Hannity on Fox News last night.

“Sean, Sean, Sean, Sean, Sean. SEAN! Hold on, lemme do a quick little key bump. AHHHHHHHH FUCK YEAH, DJ IN THE HIZZY,” Trump Jr began last night, “Sean, this is just so sad to see, isn’t it? Uncle Vlad invading The You-Crane? I mean, Daddy always told me to back the ones who get you there, so I’m definitely pulling for him, but I can say this for certain, Sean — there is no way in hell he’d be invading Ukraine right now if Daddy was still in office.”

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Hannity was quite interested in Don Jr’s theory, and pressed him to elaborate.

“You got it, Big Buddy! But first, I need just a little touch-up if you know what I mean,” Don Jr. said before ducking his head out of frame for just a moment, sniffing deeply as he did. “Much better! The thing is, President Daddy knew better than anyone how easily distracted Uncle Vladdy is when you give him something to play with.”

Trump Jr paused again to snort something off-camera.

“And, hair-go, that’s why President Daddy was able to keep Uncle Vladdy occupied for four years. It was so simple, I’m surprised Sleepy Joe can’t do it, get it? Because he’s the one that can’t do simple things Sean? Great joke I told there,” Don Jr. said smugly.

Hannity agreed that it was a great joke, though he admitted he didn’t get it. However, Hannity revealed he was medically certified as too stupid to get most jokes anyway, so Trump Jr continued.

“If President Daddy were still in office today, Uncle Vlad would be so busy with Daddy’s mouth, he wouldn’t have time to even think about invading You-Crane, or anyone else’s crane for that matter, Sean,” Trump Jr said. “It’s just obvious to anyone not indoctrinated by the George Soros Antifa Mainstream Media Network, isn’t it?”

Hannity agreed it was obvious to anyone not indoctrinated by the George Soros Antifa Mainstream Media Network, and threw to a commercial.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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