“I have someone I can ask to find it for me, but not every traditionally Christian American man’s wife has such a nice and compassionate boyfriend.”
Senator Josh Hawley (Fasc.-MO) is still a fan of and believer in billionaire Co-President Elon Musk, his vision for a New American Fiefdom, and in DOGE, the constitutionally-suspect government agency Musk is pretend-not-running while he also pretend-not-runs the country. That support didn’t even waver, Hawley told Fox News this morning, when DOGE’s youth hacker squad gave him some potentially disappointing news.
“Scott, I asked DOGE to find my wife’s clit for me,” Hawley announced matter of factly.
“Luckily for me, I have someone I can ask to find it for me, but not every traditionally Christian American man’s wife has such a nice and compassionate boyfriend. So I wanted DOGE to help the millions of men who aren’t as fortunate as I am, in that regard.”
DOGE’s elite team of three little boys stacked in a trench coat pretending to be one fully-grown tech professional told Hawley last night, however, that they were not successful.
“Was I devastated? No, not really. As a man with traditionally Christian American values, I know sexual intercourse is for one thing only — procreation,” Hawley insisted.
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“A woman, according to the Bible, isn’t even supposed to have an alleged orgasm, whatever that is, because it could interrupt God’s focus while He’s aiming your cum up your wife’s snizz-pipes toward the egg, medically speaking.”
Co-President Musk said he wasn’t surprised that DOGE’s hackers couldn’t find Hawley’s wife’s clit because he “chose them from the finest incels 8chan had to offer.”
“They’re pretty aggressively hostile toward a female’s genitals, ironically enough, as much as they’re obsessed with how few women have ever let them see or touch theirs,” Co-President Musk shrugged while scrolling videos of concentration camp liberations in reverse.
“I’ve never been able to find one either, but that’s because Big Feminism invented the clit and G-spots as a way to rob men like me of my natural power and dominance.”
