“…he suffers from Chronic Abacterial Looklikeadickitis. It’s a rare congenital disease that makes everyone it afflicts look like a penis for the rest of their life.” – Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, St. Adolfus Memorial Hospital
It’s news none of us want to get.
According to published medical journals, however, it’s a disease less than one in every seven billion people suffer from, perhaps illustrating a need for more public education to alleviate anxiety about the risk of contracting it. However, for Trump propagandist Stephen Miller, that overwhelming concern proved to be quite grounded in reality.
“This morning, we told Mr. Stephen Miller that all of the tests have come back positive,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of St. Adolfus Memorial Hospital told reporters this morning.
“I can say with certainty he suffers from Chronic Abacterial Looklikeadickitis. It’s a rare congenital disease that makes everyone it afflicts look like a penis for the rest of their life.”
“It permanently altered his DNA so he’ll look like a dick on the outside to match the dick that he is on the inside.” – Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, St. Adolfus Memorial Hospital
Showing the assembled press various pictures of Mr. Miller from various angles, Dr. Hornaydieux explained that CAL is a “vicious infection” and it’s “made worse with every xenophobic, racist comment” made by whomever has it.
“In Mr. Miller’s case, we’re finding that writing racist speeches accelerates those effects, and writing and promoting racist government policies accelerates it even further,” Hornaydieux explained. “He got a case so severe, and it made it worse with every word he tweeted, that this disease broke Stephen’s genetic code. It permanently altered his DNA so he’ll look like a dick on the outside to match the dick that he is on the inside.”
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While there are no known cures or treatments for CAL, Dr. Hornaydieux says all is not completely hopeless for Miller.
“A lot of people who look like, or are in fact, dicks, live very successful lives. Mr. Miller seems to be proof of that himself,” Hornaydieux said. “He’s the biggest dickhead — that’s the medical term we’ve created for people who suffer from CAL — I’ve seen.”
Stephen Miller could not be found under the bridge we usually find him under, so he did not provide comment on this story.
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