WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic National Committee Chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz announced to the media at a press conference this week that the DNC was rolling out a new campaign designed to attract younger and millennial Bernie Sanders supporters. Polls show that many voters under the age of 40 are drawn to the Vermont Senator in droves, and Ms. Wasserman Schultz said the new ad campaign was designed to help convince those voters to “pull for whoever the Democratic ass that’s going to end up finishing the race.”
“We’re calling it Condescend the Vote,” Rep. Wasserman Schultz told reporters, “and it’s going to be the most pretentious, presumptuous, generalizing ad campaign yet. We’ll appeal to younger people by having hip music playing while we berate them for being so silly and naive as to think they can actually have a voice in their government.”
Ms. Wasserman Schultz told reporters she wanted to “encourage the youthful spirit” of some Sanders supporters but “also get them to tone it down a bit” because
“Nothing makes people want to help your cause like treating them like five year olds,” Wasserman Schults told the media. That’s why she said that the campaign will be “all about showing the folly of thinking you can change the world around you.”
“These kids just need to be taught that dreams are great, and our generation was great at them,” Wasserman Schults said, “but their generation doesn’t need to dream. They don’t need to hope. We did all that for them and since we rolled-over and became part of the machine, we think everyone should too!”
According to Wasserman Schultz, young Sanders supporters are misplacing their priorities. “They don’t even really need change,” she said, “They need the same old thing, and by that I mean the same old 1980’s era Republican thing, but packaged to look like a modern Democrat, of course. Optics are everything!”
“I get it, I really do,” Rep. Wasserman Schults said as she was ending the press conference, “when you’re young, you can afford to dream. You can take a chance on hope. But I ask you, did we ever get to the moon? Did we ever get women the right to vote? Did we ever end slavery? Sure, maybe we did. And yeah, we did so because people were bold enough to dream of a less oppressive, liberated society. But that was then, before I was in charge of one of the two major parties. Things change, you know?”
Reached for comment, the Bernie Sanders campaign said they were “too busy trying to listen to the people” to comment. The Hillary Clinton camp, meanwhile, released a statement saying that “anything that encourages people to rally around Hillary’s inevitability is alright by us.”
