Guests arriving at Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom park today were greeted with some rather exciting news — they could be among the first guests to experience a new attraction. According to a press release provided by Disney, “Mr. Chode’s Fascist Wild Ride” endeavors to give riders a “unique and authentic simulation” of what it’s like to live in Florida while Ron DeSantis (Q) is governor.
Kevin Schneider, Disney’s Assistant Deputy Junior Media Officer, spoke to reporters outside the Magic Kingdom this morning, and previewed some of what riders will see, hear, and even smell, when they take Mr. Chode’s Fascist Wild Ride.
“As always, our Imagineering team really outdid themselves. We’ve already gotten quite good at fully-immersive ride experiences, such as when you smell gingerbread in the Haunted Mansion when we convert it for The Nightmare Before Christmas version, or when you smell Chewbacca’s taint musk as you board the Millennium Falcon,” Schneider said. “So you should expect to have all your senses filled with hints of gravy, gunpowder, and cooking meth.”
Before anyone is allowed to ride, they are asked if they are LGTBQ+. If they are, muzzles are fitted on their faces and they’re allowed to board. However, LGTBQ+ guests who ride, are not allowed to make a sound, or generally make their presence known to other guests, otherwise the ride will stop, and they’ll be literally ejected from it.
As soon as riders board their specially designed, raised F-150’s, a Disney World cast member begins firing live rounds at them as their truck speeds off.
“If you’re going to experience Florida under DeSantis, you need to feel bullets whizzing by your head. Florida ranks among the top states in the nation in gun violence related deaths, and DeSantis believes in making it easier, not harder, for people to get their hands on guns,” Schneider explained. “Then, as the bullets are still flying, we start pumping in meth smoke — real, actual meth smoke! No trip to America’s Dong State is complete without sampling some of our finest methamphetamines!”
Riders will also be asked to contribute at least $5000 to repaying the debt that Florida taxpayers are now on the hook for, after DeSantis convinced Florida’s legislators to end their special tax status.
The story of Mr. Chode’s Fascist Wild Ride, Schneider said, was inspired by recent events.
“Guests will be driven through the ride, and they’ll watch as normal Americans, who happen to be part of the LGTBQ community, attempt to live and exist in DeSantis’ Florida. Specifically, the ride follows the adventures of a third grade teacher, who is a lesbian, and accidentally tells her class that she and her wife got a puppy over summer vacation,” Schneider said. “That’s when DeSantis and his henchmen break into the class, arrest the teacher, and put her on trial for breaking the Don’t Say Gay law.”
Mr. Schneider did not want to give the end of the ride away, but promised that guests will enjoy it.
“Without spoiling it for guests who have yet to ride it, let’s just say that Mr. Chode overplays his hand, and that’s when a certain famous mouse appears and spends tens of millions of his own dollars to convince Florida voters what an utterly fatuous and stupid man DeSantis is, and how bad he is for Florida, and then the voters put DeSantis on a catapult and hurl him into the sun,” Schneider said. “Guess I spoiled it after all, didn’t I? Oopsie.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on TikTok, Patreon, Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.