Dick Cheney: ‘Those FIFA Jerks Sure Do Belong Behind Bars, Am I Right?’

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UNDISCLOSED UNDERGROUND BUNKER SOMEWHERE IN WYOMING — There are some in the United States who may feel that former Vice-President Dick Cheney is a curious fellow to be commenting on the morality or amorality of anyone. There are some who feel that Cheney’s duplicitous and well-documented mendacious misrepresentations of intelligence data in the lead-up to the Iraq War disqualify him from criticizing anyone for being corrupt, lying, or generally just being a “scalawag” of truly enormous proportions. Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, however, is not one of those Americans.

Cheney late this week sent an bulk email out to hundreds of media outlets, and The Political Garbage Chute somehow wound-up on that list. In the email, entitled “Dick Thoughts,” Cheney lays out his feelings on all manner of topics impacting the country today, most notably the decision of the Justice Department to go after the international soccer organization FIFA and charge several high-ranking officials in that organization with corruption. Cheney spent several paragraphs talking about the arrests and scandals.

“Once someone lies,” Cheney’s letter opens, “you immediately lose all faith in the liar. The liar is immediately suspect from then on, and it can and should be impossible for liars to ever be trusted again.” Cheney’s letter goes on to insist that “some lies go beyond the pale” and that “for those who tell these particular lies, the only punishment suitable” is a prison sentence. “Those FIFA jerks sure do belong behind bars, am I right,” Cheney’s letter argues.

In the 4500 word tome, Cheney blasts the FIFA executives for “letting their love of money cloud their moral judgment” and he insists that “profiteers who put themselves first should be punished most seriously.” Cheney also takes time during the email to detail exactly why the FIFA directors are — in his words — “the scummiest people on the planet.” According to Cheney, “these FIFA folks are four-flushing lying-assed liars, and when you toy with people’s emotions and well being all in the name of money, then you deserve to be punished extremely harshly.”

“These FIFA people,” Cheney would write, “have shown themselves to be the most untrustworthy human beings alive today. How can they expect anyone to take them seriously after making such an enormous, costly, and totally foreseeable mistake?” The former Secretary of Defense who never served in the military also wrote that he was “gravely disturbed by the notion of underhanded and sinister things being done in the Middle East.”

“The thing is, soccer isn’t even that cool in Real America,” Cheney said, “so part of me wonders why our clearly socialist president directed his DOJ to go after the FIFA perps. But on the other hand, I really love drama and tension that involves a country in the Middle East. Hell, I was SecDef for Iraq War I, and I was the goddamned director of the sequel! So in the end, I forgive Obama and his Obama-y-ness this one time because he’s putting the screws to foreigners. Which is of course my number one foreign policy philosophy — troll the brown people.”

The truth, according to Cheney’s soliloquy , is that “liars who are found to be lying need to be punished.” He said that “even though the investigation took over 20 years for everything to be brought out, “there is no statute of limitations on punishing lies.” He concluded his essay with, “Find them. If they lied, find them. People who lie are not to be trusted. They are clearly willing to sacrifice the greater good for their bottom lines, and no one who so very obviously values money and material wealth more than humanity deserves anything but to stare at the bars of their own jail cell for a long, long time.”

In related news, the Secretary of Paradoxes released a statement saying the country’s supply of irony was going to be thin until a new batch could be run, as Cheney’s letter had “used up every goddamned drop of it.”

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