WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice-Co-President Mike Pence and Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced today at a joint press conference that the Department of Education would be issuing new guidelines for the 2017-2018 school year allowing teachers to instruct their classes “in tongues.”
“What every good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God-fearing American patriot understands is that our classrooms need one thing and one thing only,” Pence told assembled reporters, “and no, Gerald, before you say it I’m not referring to science. I’m talking about Jesus Christ, lord almighty up above. That’s what children need in their classwork — more Jesus.”
Pence said no matter what the subject, it can be enhanced by “spicing it up with a little Jesus.”
“Science? Jesus it up and talk about the science behind feeding thousands with a few fish and some bread,” Pence suggested, adding, “and every history class should start and end with the best, most accurate history texts around — the Holy Bible.”
Secretary DeVos told reporters that she and Pence, after lengthy discussions, decided to “take the reins off” teachers who want to “think outside the box, but inside the Good Book.”
“So starting next year,” DeVos said, “you can teach your classes in tongues. Nothing will drive home the information we want kids to learn like seeing their teacher give it to them in tongues. If you’ve ever been around someone when they’re speaking in tongues, it’s quite a site to be seen, I’ll tell you what.”
DeVos said she’s really excited for the new ways “that teachers will do the book learning” next year and that “it’ll make it more betterer for everyone” if students, teachers, and parents all accept that things will be a “little to vastly different” for schools in the Trump Era.
“As the person in charge of public schools for the entire country,” DeVos said, “let me just say how happy I am to finally get the chance to fuck them all to hell. I mean, really, why hide it anymore? My family spent years giving tens of millions of dollars to the Republican Party specifically so I could one day, hopefully, get the chance to obliterate schools and put in place, instead, a series of religious institutions where science is for pussies and learning is something you do very, very begrudingly.”
Secretary DeVos’ candor continued.
“You know, when you buy a new car,” DeVos said, “do we expect you to never drive it, or never flaunt it a little? Of course not. This is America. We take pride in our unabashed materialism all the while pretending to espouse Christian values. So you know what? I’m not ashamed of only being here because I bought my position. Sometimes I show off my purchases, big whoop!”
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