TATOOINE, OUTER RIM — Embattled Republican Congressman Devin Nunes (CA) has found himself yet again at the center of a swirling controversy surrounding his whereabouts and travel details. This time, Nunes, the Chairman of the House Intelligence committee, is in hot water after he was seen on the desert planet of Tatooine in the Outer Rim territories. Nunes was spotted entering the palace of Jabba the Hutt, who is currently the subject of an open FBI probe for his ties to the Russian hacking attempts during last year’s presidential election.
Jabba’s name was added to Co-President Trump’s as those who are currently being investigated by Director James Comey and his bureau. Both are under scrutiny for their possible ties to Russian President Vladimir Putin, who Jabba has called his “bookie” in the past. Trump has denied connections to Russia, though his statements prior to running for office largely contradict those claims. Congressman Nunes has been the subject if rising calls to resign as the chair of the House Intelligence Committee because last week he took intelligence information — which he may have gotten from someone with the White House — directly to Co-President Trump, before sharing it with the rest of the committee members, and despite the committee’s role of oversight of the Trump administration.
“I saw that Nunes humanoid approaching Jabba’s palace with an envelope,” one of Jabba’s porcine Gamorrean guards told us, “and he seemed flustered, in a hurry, and more than a little paranoid. he kept looking over his puny human shoulder the whole time.”
Nunes was able to convince Jabba’s majordomo to give him audience with the Hutt gangster. Jabba agreed to meet with Mr. Nunes behind closed doors, and with only his translator droid. The subject of their conversation can only be speculation at this point, but many of the denizens in Jabba’s palace say that the crime lord was “quite pleased” with the information Nunes brought him and as a reward, he offered to let the congressman sit by his side on the dais, and slurp up the remains of any space frogs Jabba ate that happened to spill forth from his gaping maw.
“That is a most kind and gracious offer, Jabba,” Nunes said, “but my boss, er I mean the guy I’m totally independently investigating right now, needs me back on Earth. But keep that spot warm for me, would you?”
Before leaving, Jabba gave Nunes a gift to bring back to President Trump. Mr. Nunes said he’d “gladly” deliver the gift to Mr. Trump, as he was “already getting quite used to being his bitch anyway.” Nunes was later spotted helping load a man, frozen in carbonite, into his rented space cruiser and blasting away from Mos Eisley spaceport. Authorities would later say when Nunes left, the port’s “Scum and Villainy” index went down by 22%.
Nunes, upon returning to Washington, D.C., was asked about his meeting with Jabba. He did not deny meeting the Hutt. However, he did say Americans have no reason for alarm or concern.
“Let’s face it,” Nunes said, “meeting with bloated, powerful, criminally connected slimy slugs is just something I do now. So, the American people have nothing to worry about. This is, like, kinda the same thing, really, isn’t it?”
The White House, and Jabba’s palace communications director, could not be reached for comment.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
