TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — Florida’s controversial new “Don’t Say Gay” bill is on its way to Gov. Ron DeSantis’ desk to sign into law. Once he does that, in America’s Floppy Dong State, teachers and perhaps even students will risk legal jeopardy if they happen mention sexual orientation or identity in a classroom setting.
Coincidentally, just as Don’t Say Gay was passed in Florida’s Senate, Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the National Institute of Research and Shit Like That held a press conference. Dr. Hornaydieux announced the findings of a study conducted by the NIRSLT that indicates Gov. DeSantis thinks about gay sex, or stuff that is done during gay sex, even more than two homosexual men engaged in gay sex.
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“According to the data we were able to collect, Mr. DeSantis thinks an awful lot about gay sex. On average, a thought about gay sex enters his brain roughly every third nanosecond. That is, needless to say, a lot of thinking about gay sex,” Hornaydieux said.
When two men are engaged in what Hornaydieux described as “the hottest, most torrid, sweat-soaked bone-athon,” they don’t think about gay sex as much as DeSantis does.
“Even when they are doing a pretty amazing 69 on each other, where you’re like, totally blown away how they seem to be defying the laws of physics as they thrust and pump into each other, they are not thinking about gay sex as much as DeSantis thinks about gay sex,” Hornaydieux reported.
Dr. Hornaydieux said that DeSantis is not the first white, evangelical, conservative Christian male politician “seemingly obsessed” with gay sex.
“To be honest, I’ve lost track of how many Bible belt politicians end up coming out of the closet a few years after they lose an election. So it’s not that we think we’re reporting some new breakthrough here. We just thought the public might like to see what our data seems to indicate, which is that Ron DeSantis should probably fuck a dude and work it out,” Hornaydieux said.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
