Each year, all over America, people partake in the Scottish Highland Games — a celebration of Scotland’s culture, heritage, and traditions. If you live in Florida, or plan to visit America’s Dong-Shaped State and wish to attend the games with your family, however, you may want to find a sitter for the kids.
This morning, Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) issued a proclamation, decreeing that children under the age of 18 will not be allowed to attend any Scottish Highland Games within his state’s boundaries. Exceptions will be made if the minors are accompanied by Matt Gaetz. At a press conference held to celebrate the fifteenth school librarian DeSantis has personally punched in the mouth, the man many think will challenge Donald Trump for the 2024 GOP presidential nomination explained his thinking.
“After spending a solid six hours each night, for the last six straight nights, watching the caber toss event, I decided these Scottish Highland Games were too dangerous for impressionable youth to be around,” DeSantis said. “I mean, they have these massive, bulging, strapping men in skirts handling giant wood poles. And they do it for hours! Not just once in college on a dare from a very handsome linebacker like…SOME OF US do. I watched the footage, frame by frame, and I could clearly see outlines of body part shapes that made me blush.”
Gov. DeSantis also addressed recent allegations that he thinks about student athlete genitals more than the student athletes whose genitals he fixates on.
“That’s just mean. Okay? It’s mean. Sure, I spend an inordinate amount of time cogitating, meditating, and even praying to God about kids’ genitals,” DeSantis whined. “So what? SO. FREAKING. WHAT?! Just because I’m one of the few people out here laser focused on what matters most, that makes me the bad guy? Forget about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go crotch check a bunch of high school swimmers before their big meet. Thank you.”
@jamboschlarmbo Give #RonDeSantis time, and this #satire will become reality. #political #politics #politik #lgtbq🏳️🌈 #Floriduh ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann
