TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — A new policy instituted by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) allows him to punch “any and all students” he encounters who are wearing a mask.
“Nothing is worse for society than parents who allow their kids to protect their fellow classmates from asymptomatic — or symptomatic — COVID-19 by letting them where an anti-freedom muzzle,” DeSantis said as he scribbled his name across an official document. “In times of great urgency, sometimes a governor must step in and do the things others, even parents, refuse to do. This is one of those times, and Florida’s students’ faces need to be uncovered, or I’m gonna punch that mask right off their sweet little third grader face.”
DeSantis compared the new policy to another time in American history, when a president “was forced to ride into battle himself.”
“During the Whiskey Rebellion, President George Washington mounted his steed and let the U.S. Army against the insurrection,” DeSantis explained, “because they weren’t doing a MAGA-insurrection, so that was wrong, unlike January 6th. Anyway, me punching your ten year old square in the mouth if she’s wearing a mask is literally the same thing as Washington and the Whiskey Rebellion, so stick that in your libtarded pipes and smoke it, hippies!”
Under the new policy, DeSantis will spend most of his time travelling to each of Florida’s schools. He will then go from class to class, inspecting each student’s face. The ones he finds wearing face masks will be “immediately punched right in the mouth.”
“Parents in this state need to realize that they don’t have a right to protect their kid unless they protect them by living in a house full of guns. They don’t have a right to make decisions about their kid in this state,” DeSantis said angrily. “Because we’re a small government state. That means government small enough to check women’s vaginae for pregnancies, and small enough to get close to a kid in a face mask and then punch that same kid.”
Fox News contributor and pile of diarrhea soaked garbage Tomi Lahren hailed the new policy during an appearance on Fox & Friends this morning.
“Clearly Governor DeSantis knows that the only way you keep kids safe is by making sure they don’t hear about how racist things were, and by not letting their parents or school boards put basic health measures in place,” Lahren screeched, speaking roughly sixteen hundred words a second. “He needs to be given a prize. And I know I’ll be voting for him in a couple years for president, unless our Good King Emperor Don J. Trump decides the throne is still his.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.