DeSantis: Florida History Books Must Remove White Wigs and Rouge from Images of Founders

Published on

With the stroke of his pen, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) ordered all history books in his state to be immediately removed from classrooms. Gov. DeSantis’ order attempts to legally force textbook publishers to remove depictions of the men who founded the country in the fashions of their time, and will allow the history books to be placed back in classrooms once the revisions are made.

“You all can imagine my shock and dismay when we got a tip on our Florida State Gender Inquisition line about every history book in Florida showing our Founding Slaveholders in very concerning outfits for men,” DeSantis said before signing the executive order. “Apparently, that’s not all either. He was wearing rouge, and fancy clothes that draped off him like a dress.”

DeSantis said he wouldn’t have signed the order if there were “just a couple of bad apples in the bunch,” but decided once he’d seen portraits of Thomas Jefferson and John Adams in powdered white wigs, he knew he had to act.

“Look, I am fine with the color of the wigs, obviously. But it made them look, well, you know, more effeminate, and that is very inappropriate for students in our public schools system to see,” DeSantis explained. “Imagine if we found out Jesus had long hair and wore long, flowy robes with smart sandals to pull the whole look together? It would be absolutely frightening, and I’d have every Bible in this state burned.”

The governor was asked if images of the founders’ feet would be acceptable, or if they’d have to be removed as well, given that styles of the 18th century would have meant they’d be shown wearing shoes with heels and lifts on them.

“No, the high heeled boots are fine,” DeSantis said quickly, forcing a laugh a little too hard. “I wear them, and I’m ruggedly masculine. Just ask the nice boy who cleans our pool every day between the hours of nine and six, while I’m at work.”

History book publishers have one week to comply, or they’ll face legal discipline up to and including the state taking over their business and forcing Disney to publish the books instead.

@jamboschlarmbo

That Rascally #RonDeSantis is at it again in this #satire #florida #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #transrights #transgender #politik #political

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann – James Schlarmann


Follow James: PostTikTokTwitterInstagramFacebook

Latest articles

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...