When he rides “Pirates of the Caribbean,” he may be off-put by seeing men with long hair who talk funny, and it might make him wish he could deport them, but eventually, he’ll settle down and enjoy the ride, we think.
No one likes losing. Not even people who are, traditionally speaking, called “losers.”
So, we can all assume that when you think you’re the winner, when you think that you’re the big, bad, go-go booted champion of all things, the anointed slayer of the Woke Gay Transgender Illegal Mexican Immigrant Socialist Army of George Soros, and then you end up having to bow out of a competition because not enough people are into your brand of Christofascist finger-pudding eating politics, you feel a lot of sadness.
You probably feel like a loser, because, well, let’s face it, you are a loser. Because you lost. And even though we happen to think that when bigoted, empty-brained assholes lose it’s a net-positive for the world in general, we’re not cruel. We’re not callous. We care.
So that’s why everyone here in the office chipped-in and bought Ron DeSantis a Disney World annual pass for this upcoming year.
After all, Disney markets their theme parks as the “happiest places on Earth,” and we know that running a campaign that turned into a national embarrassment and cost you any hope of ever rising higher in politics than governor of the state that looks most like a floppy dong can make you pretty, pretty sad. We’re sure that once Ron gets into the park and has a churro, all the intrusive thoughts about how nobody likes him, and how he wonders what it’d be like if he’d let himself enjoy naked men instead of pretending to hate them so much will melt away. He’ll stop thinking he should have let Trump call his wife “ugly” once he gets a bite off one of those giant pickles they sell.
Just don’t take any pictures of him eating that pickle and send it to the Florida State Anti-Gay Agenda Task Force, whatever you do.
Of course, some may want to point out that Gov. DeSantis has been at war with Mickey Mouse for a couple of years, and he may not want to actually go to Disney World. And we say this now with the most respect for Ronald DeSantis that he deserves:
Who gives a fuck what Ron wants?
As DeSantis climbs on board “It’s a Small World,” sure, he may hate that it’s full of woke, globalist propaganda about treating everyone with kindness, but that won’t be any different than when he enters a church and has to hear abut that libtard Jesus and his agape — you know, SOCIALIST — love. When he rides “Pirates of the Caribbean,” he may be off-put by seeing men with long hair who talk funny, and it might make him wish he could deport them, but eventually, he’ll settle down and enjoy the ride, we think. When he rides Dumbo, once he gets over the fact that it’s not about him, he’ll probably really like being up in the air on a flying elephant.
We’re sending him to Disney World whether he likes it or not. Ronald can pretend he’s a desperate immigrant on one of the planes he chartered. He can pretend he’s a 13 year old Floridian girl desperate to get to California to have an abortion so she doesn’t have to carry her step-dad’s baby to full term. Whatever it takes for The Man Who Will Never Be President to get on the tram and go take a Jungle Cruise…hopefully into a black hole, is fine by us.
Enjoy the pass, Gov. DeSantis! It was our pleasure!
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