DeSantis Signs Law Banning Democracy

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TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA — Citing a need for “election security and integrity,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) signed a law today banning all forms of democracy.

“First of off — we’re not a democracy. We’re a democratic republic, which is most definitely a form of democracy much like Pepsi is a soda that’s sometimes called ‘coke,’ and that’s, like, way much more differenter, so I don’t want to hear any crybaby whiny bullshit from you media fucks right now,” DeSantis said as he signed the law. “Therefore, as of right this very moment, all forms of democracy are hereby banned in the State of Florida.”

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Gov. DeSantis argues that “one of the big problems” with democracy is that “you can’t be sure who someone is gonna vote for.”

“They do their voting in secret. Why? If you ask me, we have a right, as good, clean, Christian American Patriots, to know who you’re gonna vote for before you get into OUR voting booth,” DeSantis said firmly. “So, it was either sign a law that said you had to tell us who you were voting for, and only vote for people we approve, or we signed this law which got away from all that stupid, messy voting anyhow. That’s the route we went with.”

DeSantis admitted that there is a “sort of partisan” reason for him wanting to sign the bill into law, however he insisted that even those concerns were based on “protecting real Americans who aren’t poor and don’t have a lot of melanin.”

“It’s simple — anything that sounds like ‘Democrat’ just simply should not exist in this great country of ours. Democrats shouldn’t be allowed to have thoughts, or views, on anything,” DeSantis said, “and it makes we REAL patriots really nervous when we see them win, because it makes us question if we really ARE the majority we delude ourselves into believing we are! So in order to protect the fragile, sensitive feelings of MAGA Floridians, I need to sign this law.”

In a statement written in crayon by former President Donald J. Trump, he praised DeSantis for the governor’s “courage to do the right thing to stroke my ego” and said he’d be “bigly rewarded” when he is “rightfully restored to the throne.”

“I will be in power again, and largely in thanks to the brave efforts of great men like Ronnie DeSantis,” Trump wrote and had his friend post on Twitter for him. “He will be bigly rewarded for his loyalty when I am finally, rightfully restored to throne. Speaking of thrones, I have to go pinch a very presidential loaf. And for the record — my poops all smell like roses and money.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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