Dan Crenshaw Opening Bank That Loans Guns to People on a Hunch

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DUMFUQ, TEXAS — Rep. Dan Crenshaw is opening a bank that will, unlike most traditional institutions of the sort, not be loaning any money to anybody. Instead, Crenshaw will have the bank loan guns to people, without a background check.

“The First Firearm Bank of America will service every good, melanin-deficient, ammo hoarding, red meat eating patriot, no matter where they’re from,” Crenshaw said in a statement released to the press. “Though, to be completely fair, if you live in REAL America — states that vote for Republicans no matter how badly they keep screwing up their local economies — you’ll get much better terms on your gun loans.”

At a few points in Crenshaw’s statement he makes it abundantly clear the “gun loans” he’s referring to are not monetary in nature.

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“Our gun loans aren’t like traditional loans at all. We’re not loaning you money to buy a gun. That would require a messy, intrusive background check,” Crenshaw wrote. “Truthfully, government is so bad at what it does, no background check could be as good as our gut feelings and hunches. And the good news for you — that’s all we use to qualify you for a gun loan! If you pass our hunch and gut feeling checks, you’ll get access to literally any weapon you want, because we’re not soyboy beta cucks!”

Crenshaw’s gun bank will loan guns to “just about everyone,” but he says that they will have some “common sense restrictions.”

“For instance, members of the Black Panther party, or people who look like they could be in the Black Panther party will not be given consideration for a gun loan,” Crenshaw said. “That policy will also apply to Mexicans, people who look Mexican, Muslims, and people who look like Muslims.”

Rep. Crenshaw says that at this time, the gun bank will stick to “traditional firearm loans,” but that other weapons could be introduced at any time.

“For now, we’re just dealing in the finest firearms money doesn’t have to buy,” Crenshaw wrote, “but who knows? The sky’s the limit. We get a few more years of minority rule out of the Electoral College and gerrymandering, and you never know! You could see us loaning you various explosives, and maybe even a tactical nuke or two! Because this is America, and we won’t be forced to think critically about the consequences of strict adherence to stuff written 250 years ago about weaponry that couldn’t come close to what we have now.”

The NRA’s spokesterrorist, Dana Loesch, applauded this development and said on Twitter.

“This is great. This is perfect. This makes total sense. All of this is completely normal, and I’m in no way a soulless robot, gleefully mainstreaming the ridiculous notion that we need guns everywhere to be safe,” Loesch tweeted. 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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