ALBANY, NEW YORK — In a surprise development, embattled New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has announced that by the end of the week, he will resign his post, leaving it to the state’s Lieutenant Governor to fill out the rest of his term. Cuomo, who the New York State Attorney General accused yesterday of engaging in a serial pattern of sexual harassment and abuse of his staff, said that he will take a few weeks off, but “come back hard, and often, almost to the point of being a nuisance.”
“Today, with great sadness I announce that I am going to resign the governorship by the end of this week. While I do think it sets a bad precedent to hold rich, white men accountable for their wrongdoings,” Cuomo announced, “there are brighter days on the horizon for me. Don’t worry; I’ll be back. Even if you don’t want me there. You can’t get rid of me.”
As he turns the page on his time in Albany, Cuomo said he is “thankful for all the opportunities” being governor afforded him.
“Namely, the opportunities to grab a little ass and motorboat broads,” Cuomo laughed before catching himself, “ALLEGEDLY.”
Gov. Cuomo announced at the same press conference that he had decided to challenge President Joe Biden for the Democratic nomination in 2024, saying the decision was made when “Joe turned on me.”
“He could’ve just stayed out of it, but he decided to signal to everyone that he was appalled by a little serial sexual harassment,” Cuomo explained, “and so I’m coming for his job. I’m gonna sneak up behind him, real close, and whisper in his ear, particularly if he tells me that makes him uncomfortable and that I should stop.”
Cuomo has already tapped someone to be his vice-presidential candidate.
“I can’t tell you how excited I am to have such a legend of stage, screen, and date rape on my ticket,” Cuomo beamed. “I think Bill and I will have a lot in common, and we both fundamentally understand how important it is for rich men to get to say and do whatever they want, whenever they want to do it.”
Mr. Cosby could not be reached for comment on this story.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.