Cruz: “America Needed a Draft Dodger With Bone Spurs Leading the Afghanistan Withdrawal”

Published on

“What this entire debacle has taught is something really quite simple to understand. America needed a draft dodger with bone spurs leading the Afghanistan withdrawal.” – Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun)

During a press conference this morning, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) lambasted the Biden administration for how it handled the drawdown of U.S. troops in Afghanistan. Despite the fact that the agreement to end America’s longest war came during former one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald J. Trump, Republicans like Cruz have been haranguing Biden for the chaotic violence, and ISIS terror attack that killed more than ten servicemembers yesterday.

Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary, said during a press briefing yesterday that it was “not the time for politics” while emergency airlifts are still underway, bringing American citizens and Afghan refugees to safety. Sen. Cruz, however, didn’t get, or at least ignored that memo, and today he lashed out at Biden. Cruz insisted that if “Trump had won either the election or the insurrection,” things would be quite different today.


“What this entire debacle has taught is something really quite simple to understand,” Cruz stated. “America needed a draft dodger with bone spurs leading the Afghanistan withdrawal. Without it, you’ve seen what happened — exactly what we all knew would happen. But, and I cannot say this enough, a Democrat is president and I have no choice but to pretend a Republican could have done better, even though I know in my slime-encrusted heart that is not anywhere near the truth.”

Cruz pointed to the fact that Biden has been in office for more than seven months and not insulted his wife’s looks as a “big, big reason” he thinks Biden is not up to the task.

“This country runs on people calling my wife, Heidi, ugly. The last man to occupy the Oval Office understood that better than anyone,” Cruz said. “Joe Biden? He doesn’t understand that. He hasn’t mentioned my wife’s disgusting face even once! How can he expect to be an effective leader if he can’t even bring himself to tell me the truth about how incredibly fucking ugly Heidi is?”


Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Jesus Told Me Only “Fascist Incel Dorks” Don’t Like Separation of Church and State

"We told them to pay Caesar what's due to Caesar for a reason. Me-stianity...

Once I Learned to Read, I Realized The Left Actually Can and Does Meme

The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and Trump White House official Dustin...

God Told Me Oklahoma Kids Will Be ‘Stupid as Fuck’ After the Bible is Taught in Schools

" they really think it covers me in glory to have a bunch of...

Someone Accidentally Sent Me a Copy of The Biden/Trump Debate Questions

Don't ask me how it happened, but it would appear that someone at CNN...