LAKE IGNORANCE, MICHIGAN– Gerald Ricci is sick to death of his town’s local COVID-19 restrictions, and he’s starting to tell everyone around him that even though he doesn’t really follow them, he’s starting to feel like he’s “literally a slave” to them.

“THIS IS AMERICA, GODDMAMNIT. We should be giving ourselves more freedoms, not less,” Ricci howled during a virtual meeting with his local city council. “It’s bad enough that you libtards made us put sneeze guards in front of our salad bars as if real patriotic Americans don’t like boogers in their lettuce, but even that government tyranny pales in comparison to masks and social distancing! How am I not supposed to feel exactly like a slave in the 1800’s with this bullshit, huh? Other than the fact that I can still earn my living and am not the literal physical property of some other human?”

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Ricci’s town started asking people to stay at home except for essential business back in March, but he’s kept going out with any of his friends he could. Though, he admits that by the end of the summer, it was getting harder and harder to find people willing to break the local ordinances. When his city issued a mask mandate for indoors gatherings, that was what finally made him decide to start a petition to recall any official who backed the mandate.

“Hey, just because I never put on a CHIN DIAPER, that doesn’t mean I can’t recognize that they are literally tools of literal commie influence and literally will make us all die of socialism,” Ricci told his city council. “Let me ask you all one simple question — where can I find the word ‘mask’ in our Constitution? If it ain’t in there, it ain’t something I have to respect, as an American, that’s how our system works. It’s why I don’t wear seatbelts or condoms, either.”

Mr. Ricci says he will never abide by any mandates or rules regarding COVID-19.

“I was just telling my mom on the Zoom call the hospice staff set up for us so we could say goodbye to her as she died from the coronavirus,” Ricci said, “that this whole thing is a global hoax anyhow, so why should we care? She, I think, pretty much agreed with me. It was hard to tell, because dying breaths don’t give you much air to make noise.”

More than 300,000 Americans have died as result of the COVID-19 pandemic.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.