POLL: Majority Relieved to Find Out Future President’s Dong is Okay

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In Detroit, Michigan last night, Donald J. Trump defended himself against personal attacks levied against him by Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL). Those attacks seemed to imply that Mr. Trump — the billionaire mogul and reality-TV star — has a smaller than average penis.

During the debate though, Trump attempted to reassure the audience in the room and at home that he was fully-equipped in all the right ways.

“He referred to my hands, ‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.” (source)

Many in the punditry class were shocked and bemused that last night marked the first time that historians could find where the genital size of the candidate was discussed. Some may remember that Michele Bachmann said she had “a clit hood that would make you scream” in 2012, but not on a debate stage. Scholars felt perhaps the exchange would concern Americans who were watching people who want to run their government focused on penis size.

A flash poll conducted by We Poll You and Fox News, though, showed that Americans are mostly “relieved” to know their “future president has an acceptable dong size.”

Polling results provided by We Poll You and Fox News (5% margin of error):

How relieved are you to know that your future president’s dong is of an acceptable length? 62% – Very Relieved 20% – Somewhat Relieved 12% – Whose penis is it anyway? 3% – I like bread. Bread is good.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters while locked away in his bathroom — he’d reportedly stomped off half-way though the debate and shut himself away — that he was “pleased” with the poll results but only cautiously optimistic.

“That shit show we put on tonight was the worst shit show our party has put on ever,” Priebus said, “and in 2012 we had Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Hermain Cain! I didn’t think it was possible to have a dumber debate than a debate that featured those three lunatics, but well, then Booger Eatin’ Ted, Marcobot, and the World’s Biggest Douche With Apparently the Tiniest Dick Ever sauntered onto that debate stage and proceeded to look like three drunk high schoolers arguing over who gets to try and make out with the girl who wants absolutely nothing to do with any of them.”

Mitt Romney was reportedly watching the debate from a bunker below his La Jolla mansion and was pleased with what he saw.

“The best chance I have to swoop into this election and lose it again is for these knuckle-dicks to keep doing what they’re doing,” Romney said in a press release after the debate, “and so if anyone who saw that debate tonight wants me to lose instead of the losers up there, just give me a buzz. My number is still 1-800-OLI-GARC, by the way.”

The 2016 Republican National Convention will be held in Cleveland, Ohio from July 18th-21st. Many within the party are now bracing for a brokered convention, and Romney’s name has been floated as a challenger if neither Cruz nor Rubio can overtake Trump.


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