WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration has made the determination that it needs to release two separate counts of coronavirus-related fatalities in its daily press briefings. One count will be of Americans who perished from complications arising from a COVID-19 infection, and the other will be of Americans who died from a Democrat hoax. Stumbling up to the White House this morning, White House Press Lush Stephanie Grisham explained why there was a need to give the public two different accounts of the death toll.

“As we all remember, the president referred to the initial coverage, and frankly hysteria, about the coronavirus a hoax, which it, like, totally was or whatever,” Grisham explained. “That being said, we know our Dear President’s supporters might get confused by the death toll, given that he was so adamant it was all an overblown hoax. So the president, in his infinite and ever-expanding wisdom, decided to break it up into two categories — coronavirus deaths, and hoax deaths.”

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Thus far, Grisham announced, there were no hoax related deaths to report. The White House isn’t sure if that’s because hoax testing hasn’t fully ramped up in all fifty states yet, or if because it’s literally impossible to die from a hoax like one can die from an infection. At any rate, the administration is committed to a full and accurate accounting of those who perished as a result of the Democrat hoax.

“The president’s base is already very easily confused. For instance, they think a guy who couldn’t keep a casino in the black is a good businessman, and that wanting to fuck your own daughter is a virtue of strong family values,” White House Press Drunk Stephanie Grisham told reporters this morning. “We certainly don’t want Americans getting confused as to whether the coronavirus or the Democrat Hoax Virus killed people that day, so our Dear President has decided to report those totals separately.”

Throughout his first term, the president has labeled many things a “hoax.” He’s claimed that the Mueller investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 was a hoax. He insisted that the impeachment proceedings against him in the House, which resulted in him being just the third sitting president ever tainted with the permanent stain of impeachment, a hoax as well. When the COVID-19 outbreak first hit the United States, Trump mocked the media’s reaction to and coverage of it. He famously accused the media of working with Democrats to make the coronavirus outbreak into another hoax.

Some on the Hill speculated that as the unavoidable consequences of the coronavirus outbreak mounted, and as more and more people got infected, some even dying, that Trump might tone down some of his rhetoric. Would he temper his tone? Would he stop calling it a hoax, once people started dying by the dozen, if not more? Grisham answered those questions with a resounding “no.”

“The president is still very convinced that all you enemies of people are colluding with the Democrats to hurt his re-election by overplaying how bad the virus is,” Grisham said, “so yes, it’s still a hoax, okay? But we don’t want people thinking that someone who died of the hoax died from the virus, and vice versa. Anyone who knows this administration knows how much we care about getting things accurately.”

Grisham also used the opportunity to remind Trump supporters of the CDC’s suggestion that they stop sharing hoods. She said that the White House plans to work with several textile companies in the south to produce clean, new white hoods for everyone who contributes to the re-election campaign. 

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.