Congressional Republicans Hastily Trying to Repeal Donald Trump

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republicans in both the House and the Senate are working feverishly on a bill that would repeal Donald Trump in his entirety.

The impetus for such a landmark move by Congressional Republicans being that Trump’s presidential campaign will not drop from the top of the polls, no matter how embarrassing his antics might be. Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee reportedly called Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) into a closed-door meeting to discuss their options for shutting down Trump before he drags every candidate so far right that a repeat of 2012 happens in the general election, and the Democratic candidate wins. What the trio came up with is defunding and repealing Trump, much like they have been trying to do to the Affordable Care Act since it was passed into law in 2010, but even they admit they might be on shaky constitutional footing.

“We’re currently looking into the constitutionality of repealing an entire human being,” Boehner told the media at a late-night press conference earlier this week. The Ohio Republican says that he and McConnell are “committed to helping our party win the White House” because “nothing is more important than saving the country from a political philosophy that thinks super-rich people can take care of themselves and can afford another couple pennies on their dollar.” Boehner went on to say that if Trump wins the Republican nomination “the Democrats could put up the same inanimate rock that’s hosting our B-team debate and it would clean Trump’s clock.”

McConnell told reporters at his own press conference that “ordinarily [he] would never stoop to such strong-arm tactics, but this guy’s gonna blow it for all of us” so he supports repealing Trump. The senior Senator from Kentucky also told the media that he’s heading up the search for the section of the constitution that gives congress authority for such a move. “Somewhere in the Constitution, near the appendix if I’m not mistaken,” McConnell said continuing, “it says that Congress has the power to revoke someone’s entire existence, and once we find it, Trump is toast.”

“Look, we all know that Trump is saying the stuff we actually believe, or at least want our base to believe we believe,” Boehner said as he removed his hip flask from his pocket at one point during the press conference, “but we also learned in 2012 that when conservative Republicans open their mouth now, thanks to the Internet and social media, their harsh, regressive rhetoric doesn’t stay contained in the conservative media bubble.”

Boehner said that now, when a Republican says something that seems out of step with the times “it grows and spreads” and “the next thing you know [Republicans] have to defend [their] horrid world view wherein forcing a rape victim to carry their attacker’s pregnancy to full term is better than ending the pregnancy in the same time period that nearly half of all pregnancies abort naturally via miscarriage anyway.” He would also add, bourbon leaking from his lips, “And the thing is, the more we have to explain our 1950’s era social policies in 2015, the less chance we have of getting someone into White House. So we have to shut Trump up. Somehow, some way. Repealing him seems to be the way to go.”

“Well, Fox News is calling the shots ultimately,” McConnell said, “as it’s supposed to be. The media oligarchs decide who is worthy of votes, not the people. But the thing is, that since they’re the ones calling the shots, they want ratings, and they know Mr. Trump’s gonna get them those ratings they want.” Sen. McConnell says that’s why “Congressional Republicans simply must take matters in their own hands get him out of the election the only way we know how — repealing him.”

McConnell, when pressed, admitted that he doesn’t “disagree with most of what Trump says” but that “there’s a right way and a wrong way to say anti-immigrant, xenophobic and racist stuff in a more subtle way, a strategy we’ve employed for years if you will, and Trump’s just not going by the playbook.”

Speaker Boehner also referenced a well-known Republican electoral “strategy.” Saying that “we all know the strategy; we learn it at Republican orientation,” Trump is clearly forgoing the “art of inferring racist beliefs, and he’s just putting them all out on there display.”

“He clearly doesn’t realize that the reason our strategy works is that we can have plausible deniability in the media. We can put our hands up and then claim that those accusing of us race baiting are the actual race baiters. We can’t use our strategy when Trump is out there just bombastically declaring what so many of us clearly believe, given his popularity in the party.” Boehner said that twenty years ago, before the advent of social media, Trump may have been left to go the distance because right-wing media could have simply helped contain his rhetoric to channels where people couldn’t get offended by its outright racist overtones.

“But what we say in private, and what we say in conservative media isn’t being kept secret anymore, so we have to employ our strategy everywhere,” Boehner said. “All he’d have to do is just learn to be more subtle and we’d all fall in line. For God’s sake he’s a rich, white asshole with absolutely zero experience as an elected official! That’s our cream-dream candidate. Hell, even Reagan was a governor before he was president, but Trump hasn’t even ever been elected student body president. We even secretly agree with everything he’s saying. But politics is the art of controlling your surroundings, and Trump is uncontrollable. That’s why we’re going to repeal him.

And just like we successfully repealed Obamacare almost 60 times, we’ll be just as successful repealing Donald Trump as a person.”

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