WASHINGTON, D.C. — At one point during today’s explosive House Intelligence Committee hearing on Russian attempts to subvert the 2016 presidential election, Co-President Trump had his feet up on the Oval Office desk. He was snacking on a brunch of Eggs Benedict and washing it down with martinis made from Russian vodka. On his desk, he was playing with a set of nesting dolls he told right-wing media sources in the room he got from a “friend in Moscow.” While he dined, though, Trump told reporters and staffers that Comey’s announcement of an FBI investigation into his campaign and any association or contacts with Russian nationals was “really not that bigly a deal.”
During the hearing, Comey testified that the FBI is currently leading an active investigation into the ties between Trump and Russia, which is an extraordinary development, as Comey himself said it was very rare for the bureau to comment on active investigations, no matter who is the target. Trump insisted to his friends and the friendly press in the room that Comey “has got it all wrong.”
“There’s just nothing to see here,” Trump reportedly told his chief of staff Reince Priebus, according to sources within the room, “I swear on my daughter Ivanka’s sweet vlagalishche it’s not what it seems. My campaign didn’t have anything to do with Russia other than the few times that people involved in my campaign had something to do with Russia; why is that so hard to figure out for the press and the Democrats?”
Trump said, while bits of English muffin and poached egg ran down his second chin onto his third, that he was happy with what he saw out of the Republicans in the hearing.
“They had the right focus,” Trump insisted, hollandaise sauce slipping onto his tie, “the Republicans did. We need to figure out who these fucking leakers are and plug the utechki right away! I only like utechki when they come right before golden showers, you know that Ivanka!”
The president jabbed his stubby, diminutive thumb at his daughter, who only nodded vacantly, saying nothing. A slight, mechanical whirring sound was heard from within Ivanka’s head. Trump said that someone needed to recharge her, so an aide blew into Ivanka’s ear with a straw, she immediately perked up and told her dad about a new “shitty clothing line the plebs will love.” The co-president moved to the stereo unit he had installed in the Oval Office and put on The Beatles’ “Back in the USSR.”
“Catchy fuckin’ tune these Beatles wrote here,” Trump marveled, “so true too. Who doesn’t long for beautiful Mother Russia? Wait. What was I saying?”
As he swirled the martini in his glass, Trump sighed.
“I just hope the American grazhdan understand that this whole Russia thing is made up by the Democrat Party,” Trump said, “and that just because my Attorney General had to recuse himself because he lied to Congress about contact with Russia, my campaign manager had to quit because of his many contacts with Russia, my national security adviser had to resign because he discussed sanctions with Russia before I was sworn in, and we keep lying about contacts with Russia, that doesn’t really mean anything important.”
Trump paused, swallowing the last bite of his brunch and swigging down the remnants of the martini.
“I bet fewer people care about this Russia thing than care about my taxes anyway,” Trump mused, “and yet the mainstream npecca keeps hammering away at this. Sad.”
The White House declined to comment on this story.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
