WASHINGTON, D.C. — The 2020 Republican National Convention kicked off last night and featured speeches from some of President Donald J. Trump’s most loyal supporters. Two notable speeches were given by the president’s son, Donald Jr, and his son’s girlfriend, former Fox News flapping face Kimberly Guilfoyle. In a somewhat odd move, the Republican Party announced that it had taken on a brand new sponsor for the rest of the week’s festivities — Cocaine.

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“Last night, we started what is truly a historic convention — one that nominated an impeached president for re-election,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters this morning. “That in and of itself is history-making and noteworthy. Today, the Republican Party announced they’ve made a deal with the CEO of cocaine, and have a new sponsorship deal in place.”

Ronna McDaniel, the RNC’s chairperson, divulged that the deal between the GOP and cocaine was still being finalized as the the convention started last night.

“Cocaine’s sales reps showed up and gave a lot of us same samples of their product,” McDaniel said, scratching her nose reflexively, “but I don’t think you could tell, could you? Could you tell? About the cocaine I mean? Could you tell we were all, like, really hopped on booger sugar? COULD YOU? COULD YOU MAN? FUCKING TELL ME, DUDE! COULD YOU TELL WE WERE ALL COKED OUT OF OUR SKULLS OR FUCKING NOT, MAN?!”

Apparently, in order for the way to be cleared for cocaine to sponsor the RNC, another sponsor — a particular, personal favorite of the president — had to be gently pushed aside, McDitzydick divulged.

“We had to make some concessions and accommodations to Adderall, which everyone knows the president is very quite fond of,” McDitzydick explained. “However, once we explained that the administration would continue to purchase their product by the literal boat load, things went pretty smoothly. The president just figured since cocaine was getting a lot of air time last night, maybe his Republican Party should get a cut of it, too.”

Yesterday, we reported that this year’s RNC would also feature a bevy of speakers that might come as a surprise to some readers. One speaker in particular could raise a few eyebrows in certain circles. However, in Trump’s red states, a flaming cross is exactly the kind of speaker the people want to hear.

“We are excited to announce a late addition to the lineup of speakers for this week’s truly bigly amazing Republican National Convention,” RNC deputy spokesperson Chad Beefington told reporters today. “If there’s one thing that Dear President’s supporters have in common, it’s a deep abiding love of flaming crosses. So when we were able to secure one to give the keynote address, we knew we had something truly special in store for everyone.” (PGC)

Cocaine issued a press release shortly after the GOP this morning, thanking the party for the “chance to show what we do on a larger, national platform.”

“Anyone who knows about the Trump Organization’s rich tradition of tanking businesses knows how vital a role cocaine played in some of the most important decisions,” Cocaine wrote. “So for us, this seemed like just one more evolutionary step in our relationship with the Trump family.”

Donald Trump Jr. was the first in his klan to respond to today’s news.

“WOO HOO! THIS IS FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC NEWS, YOU FUCKIN’ CUCK-ASS MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSS,” Trump Jr. tweeted. “#CokeParty2020.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.