Boy Calls Child Protective Services After Catching Parents Watching Tucker Carlson

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SMITHVILLE, GEORGIA — Two parents are in custody, and authorities in their small Georgia berg aren’t sure exactly what the next stop in the process will be, according to several sources close to the situation. At approximately 8:30pm last night, police responded to a call placed by Child Protective Services, asking them to investigate a report sent to them by a child, whose name is being withheld as he is a minor.

“We took the call from CPS last evening, and two of our officers were sent to look into the report,” Deputy Sgt. Miguel Montoya told reporters this morning. “When they arrived, they found a young boy, who told them he had been the one to report his parents. Apparently, he caught them watching Tucker Carlson’s show, and turned them in.”

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Apparently, the boy was afraid that if his parents watched Carlson’s Fox News program, they’d “end up angry, rabid racists” and might participate in a failed coup attempt, or embarrass him in public by shouting at people for wearing masks to help stop the spread of COVID-19.

“I don’t want to live in a house with white supremacist morons who don’t understand something simple like wearing a mask to protect others,” the boy was quoted as telling officers when they arrived on the scene. “So whether you take me out of here, or you take them somewhere, I don’t care. I just worry about their overall mental health if they keep watching Tucker’s nightly klan rallies.”

While it’s unclear exactly what the next few days and weeks hold for the family, Georgia law states that the son will need to remain separated from his parents while the courts adjudicate the situation.

“We don’t have any laws specifically about not exposing your kids to Tucker Carlson in this state,” Smithville District Attorney Carol Karolsby told us. “That being said, it’s illegal to dump your kid in the sewer, so for the same reasons we’re going to hold the parents in custody until the courts get a chance to look into this case more specifically.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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