Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

WalMart Announces Bump in Wages from ‘Sub-Sub-Poverty’ to ‘Plain Old Sub-Poverty’

Wal-Mart has decided to crow about raising their workers' average salaries from sub-sub-poverty rates to just regular sub-poverty.

ELECTION 2016: ISIS Executioner Endorses Dr. Ben Carson

Dr. Ben Carson loves him some war crimes. Which means he's ISIS' ideal presidential candidate.

Texas Judge Wants to Retroactively Block Emancipation Proclamation

Judge Andrew Hanen not only blocked Obama's immigration executive actions, he thinks he can retroactively block the Emancipation Proclamation.

Jeb Bush Has No Comment About the Stinking, Flaming Dog Shit on His Doorstep

Jeb Bush doesn't want to discuss anything in the past, no matter how glaring, terrible and stinky.

Man With Extensive Hat Collection Who Chose Life Without Kids Shames Others for Not Having Kids

Pope Frank says not having kids is a selfish choice. He'd know. He has no kids.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: ‘You’d Have to be On Something to Spend 8 Hours a Day With Those Assholes Too’

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg recently admitted to being not fully sober at the 2015 State of the Union, but is that the only time the venerable justice has hit the sauce on the job?

Hitler, Satan Split on Support For Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice

The Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court really is in a lather over gay marriage. A hot, steamy, foamy, lather.

“How Real Patriots Eat (A Lot Less)” by Congressional Republicans

Congressional Republicans are looking to help a lot of poor Americans lose a ton of weight. By eating a lot less. Because they won't be able to buy food.

Scott Walker Not Sure About Evolution or The Color of Sky, Grass

Gov. Scott Walker is not a scientist. So what all does that mean?