Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Bill & Ted Plan Excellent Adventure to 2009 So They Can Ask Trump to Tweet Obama Will Resign Early

The two brilliant musical geniuses behind the music of Wyld Stallyns plan to go back in time to convince Trump to resign the presidency.

Trump Drinks Bleach, Tucker Carlson Calls It ‘Second Most Impressive Thing’ Any President Has Done

There is nothing Donald Trump does that is wrong, bad, stupid, dangerous, or idiotic. At least according to super unbiased Tucker Carlson.

Neo-Nazi Agrees With Trump: The Media Are The Worst People In America

Everyone knows that the media are the absolutely worst human beings on the planet. Just ask any neo-Nazi you find; they'll tell you.

Trump Says He Was Depressed Not Being The One Blocking All The Light During Eclipse

President Donald J. Trump admitted to aides this morning that he took his eclipse viewer glasses off because he was distracted by his depression.

Soldier In Afghanistan is ‘Completely Reassured’ Having D-List Reality TV Star Commanding Her

Stationed in Afghanistan, this soldier has the utmost confidence in President Donald Trump to guide the army to victory...or something.

Trump Got Advice From His Generals and His Bone Spurs Before Formulating Afghanistan Plan

The Afghanistan War is the longest running conflict in American history. And Donald Trump sought advice from all over the place in ending it.

Trump Orders All Removed Confederate Monuments Replaced With Statues of Vladimir Putin

President Trump has ordered that any statues depicting figures from the Confederate effort in the Civil War be replaced immediately.

Trump Supporter Blind After Ignoring ‘Liberal Conspiracy’ of Science and Staring Directly at Eclipse

A right-wing conservative podcaster and YouTuber is now blind after ignoring warnings and staring directly at today's solar eclipse.

Steve Bannon Comes Out From Under His Bridge With Box of Personal Effects

It's curtains for Steve Bannon as the White House Chief Strategist. We got a firsthand peek into what was in his box of personal items.

Trump Orders Statue of Confederate General Covfefe, Hero of Bowling Green, Be Left Intact

The president has issued an executive order protecting one statue erected in honor of a confederate general, and may issue more.