Totally Bulls*it News

Why Did The Secretary of Defense Text Me Dick Pics and Nuclear Launch Codes?

"I'm Prince of War now, got it? I'll do what I want. Text what and who I want." Well, that was a new one. I...

Trump Tells Taliban They Owe Him a Cut

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Whether or not the president was briefed on...

DNC Encourages Trump Supporters to Boycott Elections With Mail-in Ballots

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Democratic National Committee is urging Trump supporters...

Lahren: NASA Should Rename Black Holes Because ‘All Holes Matter’

VAPID VALLEY, TEXAS -- Conservative right-wing firebrand commentator and Fox News...

Should I Be Concerned That My Penile Discharge Looks Exactly Like Stephen Miller?

Author's Note: Before reading this column any further, please be advised that...

Disney Assures Visitors They Can Still Hurl Racist Insults at Employees While Riding Updated Splash Mountain

ANALSLIME, CALIFORNIA -- This week, Disney became the latest corporation to...

Pence: “We Flattened the Curve. We Saved Lives. Iraq had WMD. 2+2=Ketchup.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At a press conference last week, Vice President...

Trump Thought Russians Were Paying the Taliban to Throw Paper Towels at U.S. Soldiers

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an administration seemingly built on and fueled...

Louie Gohmert Dragged Away By Masked Millennials After Saying “Antifa” 3 Times Into Bathroom Mirror

VALLE DE MORMÓN RACISTACALVO, TEXAS -- According to those with firsthand...

Trump Warns His Enemies May Attempt ‘Electoral Coup’ on Him By Voting for His Opponent

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The 2020 presidential election is now less than...

Fire Chief Robert T. Moron Suggests Without Smoke Alarms There’d Be No Arson

RIO ESTUPIDO, TEXAS -- At a weekly press conference today, Fire...