Cassidy, Graham: Kimmel’s Son Should Be ‘Shoved Back Up His Mama’s Baby Chute’ If He Wants Republican Sympathy

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senators Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Bill Cassidy (R-LA) are trying to shepherd their Eleventh Hour, hail Mary healthcare legislation through a Senate that, despite their party having the slimmest of majorities in, has not proven to be a reliable theater for victories that their party can claim. The Graham-Cassidy bill is the latest and probably last attempt by the GOP to torpedo and replace the Affordable Care Act, known more commonly as Obamacare. President Donald Trump campaigned last year on a platform of racism, xenophobia, and repealing Obamacare, a cocktail of promises that proved to be the winning formula.

However, since being sworn in, and despite the Republicans holding the reins on all three branches of federal government, their own healthcare proposals have been received so universally poorly — conservatives complaining that it doesn’t roll back enough of Obamacare and liberals claiming it rolls back too much — that public pressure reached a fever pitch and they’ve been defeated. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) helped deep-six his own party’s hopes when he returned to D.C. from the Mayo Clinic in Arizona to cast the deciding “No” vote on the last attempt to “repeal and replace” Obamacare.

RELATED: Mitch McConnell Wonders If There Really Is A God If He Won’t Let Millions of People Lose Healthcare

Graham-Cassidy has received similar push back as the last Republican effort. One voice in opposition in particular, late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel, has been publicly sparring with Cassidy because he says the senator came on Kimmel’s show and lied to him. A few months ago, Cassidy told Kimmel that he wouldn’t vote for any bill that didn’t pass the “Jimmy Kimmel” test, which he said was inspired by the plight of Kimmel’s infant son, who has required two open heart surgeries before his first birthday and will need many more as his life progresses.

Kimmel has spent much of his monologue time this week pummeling Cassidy for lying to him, because he says that Graham-Cassidy doesn’t do any of the things that Cassidy swore to Kimmel he’d have to have in order to support any legislation. Namely, Cassidy said that any plan to replace Obamacare needed to be free from lifetime coverage caps and protect those with pre-existing conditions. Graham-Cassidy allows states to allow insurance carriers to charge much higher premiums to people with pre-existing conditions, thereby likely freezing them out of coverage. The bipartisan Congressional Budget Office has not and will not have a chance to score the bill before it goes before the Senate for a vote, sometime next week.

Mr. Kimmel’s son has become a rallying point for progressives. President Trump himself weighed into the debate on Cassidy’s side, attempting to defend his honor. This morning, Cassidy and Graham issued a statement on the situation, calling on Kimmel to end his attacks on the bill and “come to grips” with the fact that if he wanted his son to get sympathy from Republicans he’ll have to “shove that kid back up his mama’s baby chute.”

RELATED: Trump Threatens To Stamp His Feet, Hold His Breath Until Congress Rips Healthcare From The Poor

The full text of Graham and Cassidy’s statement follows, below.

While Senators Lindsey Graham of South Carolina and Bill Cassidy of Louisiana understand that Mr. Jimmy Kimmel’s emotions are running high — like the Beta Male Cuck he is — he is not an expert in the medical field. Senator Cassidy is a doctor, and he believes with all of his hard as coal heart that taking healthcare away from tens of millions of people is what’s best for them. What good is healthcare if it means that super rich people have to pay four or five cents more per dollar in taxes? It’s commie bullshit, is the answer to the question, fam.

Furthermore, we call on Kimmel to cease his endless attacks on our perfect, glorious bill that literally no one knows how it will impact the healthcare market. Yes, for years we lied to our constituents about how Obamacare was rammed down our throats at midnight without any input from Republicans, when the reality is that over a hundred hearings were held and Republicans offered dozens of amendments. But it’s different now that we’re actually trying to do that very same thing because “reasons” and also “MUH SOCIALISM IS BAD!”

As good, clean, ammo hoarding, gun toting, Christofascist American patriots, we have nothing but sympathy and love for all Americans. But moochers are terrible human beings and as Jesus Christ himself once said, “Fuck the poor,” or something to that general effect.

The bottom line here is very simple. We care. We care deeply about babies. Just not once they’re born. So if Jimmy Kimmel wants Republicans to have sympathy for his baby, he needs to get up off his libtard ass, which we know is hard for libtards, and shove that kid back up his mama’s baby chute.


–Sen. Lindsey Graham (SC) and Sen. Bill Cassidy (LA)

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