Conservative Still Searching for the Word “Capitalism” in Constitution

LAKE BOOTRIEMEN, MICHIGAN — For the last 25 years, Jack Mincer has been scouring the Constitution of the United States of America for one, simple word — “capitalism.”

“Of course I know that the founders wanted us only have a capitalist economy, and that they put it into the Constitution so we’d have no freedom to choose our own economic model,” Mincer told us via Skype one day last week, “but I just have not, for the life of me, been able to find it. It reminds me of when I spent ten years looking for the instances that the Bible specifically condemns gay marriage. I couldn’t find bupkus!”

His entire life, Mincer has considered himself a “rock-ribbed, dyed in the wool” conservative. Jack listens to every episode of Rush Limbaugh’s radio show, and never misses a single moment of Sean Hannity’s Fox News show. He’s not a huge fan of Laura Ingraham, but that’s because he feels, as a devout religiously conservative man, that “women-folk have no place in mass media.” Though, he does admire Ms. Ingraham’s “hard Reich stances on immigration.”

“All my life, I’ve been told that capitalism and America go hand in hand like America and invading foreign countries for oil and resources,” Mincer told us. “So I just assumed that the word ‘capitalism’ was in the Constitution, and a couple of decades ago I casually bought a pocked edition of the Constitution, figuring I’d find it on the first couple of pages and then I’d move onto the next thing.”

But it didn’t quite work out that way for Jack.

“Except, well, here I am 25 years later and I have no idea if I’ll ever find capitalism mentioned in the Constitution,” Jack said. “It’s almost like they didn’t specify any certain type of economic system, and trusted us to shape our country to the times we live in. That sounds like crazy libtard talk though, so I’m not going to say that out loud after this one time, okay?”

Jack is angry and confused because he cannot find “one scrap of a syllable of a mention” of capitalism in the Constitution.

“I can’t even find it in the Second Amendment! And you’d think if they were gonna mention God’s Favored Economic System at all, they’d have put it in God’s Favorite Constitutional amendment,” Jack exclaimed with exasperation in his voice. “It ain’t in there though. Just the shall not be infringed part that says I can own a tactical nuke if I want.”

He doesn’t intend to stop looking for “capitalism” in the Constitution, but Jack says not finding it in there does make some other historical facts make more sense to him.

“I always wondered how they were able to sneak Social Security int our lives, considering it’s been a hardcore socialist policy in our lives for like 80 years or whatever,” Jack said, “and I think I know how it happened now. They must not have been able to find ‘capitalism’ or ‘invisible hand of the free market’ in the Constitution either, and just assumed they’d never got caught.”

Jack says that searching for the word “capitalism” in the Constitution isn’t the only hobby he has that’s related to the founding of the United States. He also spends much of his free time finding the evidence in the Constitution that the founders intended the country to only be for white, land owning, Christian males.

“I’ve found the white, land owning parts. Those were very easy to find,” Mincer says. “The Christian stuff though? It’s weird, because I could have sworn they taught us in Sunday School that the Constitution was based off’n the Bible, but I can’t find a single mention of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in any of it!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.