SHITLIP, NEW JERSEY — 27 year old Marcus Palumbo absolutely, positively hates “cancel culture.” He can’t define it with any kind of real precision, but he knows without a shadow of a doubt that cancel culture will, in Marcus’s words, “make America die of socialism, literally.”
“I’m just so sick and tired of Cultural Marxists and all their cancel culture. You make one or fifteen racist jokes in your past, don’t apologize for them, and then boom, they want you canceled,” Palumbo opined during a recent recording of his podcast. “They’re trying to use the free market against us! Imagine that! We invented the damn free market and now they wanna use it against us?! WHAT GIVES THEM THAT RIGHT?!”
MORE: Al Franken Offers to Fill-In for Gaetz While He Figures Out That Whole Sex Trafficking Thing
In order to fight back against cancel culture, which Palumbo calls “betacuckery and soyboyism,” he had decided to join multiple conservative boycotts.
“Obviously the only way we can teach these libtards a lesson is to crush them financially. And the best way to do that is to boycott,” Marcus insisted. “So that’s why I’m totally in on the boycott of Coke. And Major League Baseball. And Delta Airlines. And United Airlines. And the 14th Amendment.”
Coke, MLB, and Delta have all come out against Georgia’s new voting law. MLB’s commissioner went so far as to officially move the All-Star Game from its original host stadium, where the Atlanta Braves play, though no replacement host venue has been named yet. Palumbo is boycotting the 14th Amendment because he says it’s the “one that the libtards use the most to force radical change” on America.
“Cancel culture is wrong! It’s not like grabbing your gun, heading to Washington, D.C., and storming our capitol,” Palumbo explained. “That’s normal. That’s good. THAT is patriotism! But using peaceful means of exerting pressure on people to not be racists or transphobes? TOO FAR, MY FRIENDS! TOO FAR!”
Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.
MORE: MyPillow Guy and Marjorie Taylor Greene Share a Crack Dealer and Loyalty to Trump
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
