The following editorial was written by right-wing podcaster and commentator Dustin Pewpsin. The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not necessarily this outlet or its ownership, management, or staff.
When this will this endless assault of woke stop?! Where can good, clean, ammo hoarding, melanin-free, religious extremist puritans like me go to get a cold, refreshing brew without being reminded that we are a literal dying breed of American patriot? I’m sick and tired of all these corporations pandering to the majority of kind, open-minded, sympathetic people instead of the ignorant, spiteful, judgmental, hypocritical minority known as the Religious Right.
So now, I gotta boycott Bud Light apparently. Because they decided to go woke and celebrate Trans Visibility Day. I’ll get to why that don’t matter to me in a second, but I gotta ask, when do we get a Cisgender Visibility Day, huh? I mean, other than literally the 364 other days of the year, when are cisgender people made the center and focal point in society?
It just makes me so angry and sick to think about how oppressed we Christian conservatives are. We can’t mock, humiliate, and call for the literal eradication of a subset of people without getting called out on it, but they get to have special beer cans in their honor?
IT’S NOT FAIR!
I know that life isn’t fair, and that’s a good enough reason to keep women from making their own reproductive decisions, and making it illegal for trans people to exist, but it is not a good enough reason to force me to find another beer to drink!
Luckily, for me, though, I don’t care about boycotting Bud Light. Boycotting Bud Light and its affiliated brands of beer will not harm me in the least. Because I have a secret weapon. It’s a weapon every red hat wearing, red meat eating, red assed proto-fascist America lover knows oh so well, and it’s why all of us can so confidently swat the Bud Light out of our cousin-lover’s mouths at our next family reunion and key party.
Trump’s piss is just as good, and there ain’t no short supply of it. We keep opening wide, and he keeps quenching our thirst. So enjoy your woke domestic beer, Libs. Patriots will be filling our bellies with something for more traditional and tasty.