Breaking: Brett Kavanaugh Sure Could Use a Stiff One Or 50 Right About Now

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a brutal morning of testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee in which Christine Blasey Ford made public every detail she could remember about a sexual assault she says he perpetrated against her when they were both in high school, Supreme Nominee Brett Kavanaugh was seen telling friends shortly before his own testimony that he could “use a stiff one or 50 right about now.”

“Holy shit that was rough,” Kavanaugh was heard saying. “I can’t believe I did that shit. Thank God I can’t remember any of those things she’s accusing me of, or I’d feel like a pretty big horse’s patoot, I’ll tell you what.”

In recent days, Kavanaugh has denied he’s even heard of alcohol, let alone taken a drink, let further alone taking many drinks, let even further alone still gotten so drunk he did sexual things to girls who didn’t want him to. Kavanaugh has denied ever being a habitual, heavy drinker, despite his own high school yearbook entries bragging about keg parties. It’s unclear at this time what the country’s most famous virginal tea totaling Supreme Court nominee meant this morning by needing a “stiff one or 50,” but our reporters are on the case and will update this story as it is warranted.

Kavanaugh would be Trump’s second confirmation to the Supreme Court in under two years in office, should he make it out of committee. Just one Republican on the committee could prevent Kavanaugh from even reaching a final, full vote in the Senate.


James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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