MERRY OLD LONDONTOWNSHIRESHIP, ENGLAND — This morning, former London Mayor Boris Johnson found out he was going to be the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Many see this as a last, desperate attempt by conservatives in the UK to push their “Brexit” plans through and leave the European Union. The issue of whether the UK should split from the landmark union of countries that is now decades old has caused deep polarization in the region, and the selection of a hardliner like Johnson to some indicates that one way or another, the public at large will be forced to deal with Brexit’s realities, good and bad.
Upon finding out the news of Johnson’s election, President Donald Trump sent a tweet of congratulations. Trump and Johnson have seen each other as allies politically and defended each other in the press. Trump started out on good terms with the previous PM, Theresa May, but wound up in a tense relationship with her when she couldn’t get Brexit pushed through and many feel Trump wanted to distance himself from May to make himself feel better.
Congratulations to Boris Johnson on becoming the new Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He will be great!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 23, 2019
In a truly unforeseen twist, when asked about the congratulatory Trump tweet, soon to be Prime Minister Johnson let slip a detail that no one in the world knew about until that moment, and it could have wide-ranging global impacts.
“I was of course very touched by the congratulations I received from President Donald Trump, because there’s nothing like getting kind words from the person you happen to be a cheap Chinese facsimile of,” Johnson said to audible gasps. “Which reminds me, I simply would be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to thank the lovely Chinese eight year olds who fashioned me out of electronic components, old brittle straw for my hair, and a bag of diarrhea and racist Breitbart headlines that make up my chemical composition.”
Johnson paused a moment and remembered something.
“Oh! And of course big thanks to Ivanka for buying the Chinese factory with that loan she got from the Russian oligarchs,” Johnson said. “Because without her vision, without her ability to see that the world absolutely needed a bloviating, racist, ignorant moron with shitty hair that spoke with a British accent, I wouldn’t be standing here today.”
Johnson explained that several years back, First Lady Daughter Ivanka had a premonition. She dreamed that one day she’d be the most powerful woman in the world, with her daddy ruling by her side, Johnson said. But, Ivanka knew she needed a backup Trump, in case something happened to the love of her life.
“So she went to some oligarchs, since you know, Trump family credit is as worthless as Trump family steaks, bottled water, or casinos, and took out a loan to buy a factory in China,” Johnson divulged. “One thing leads to another, then bing-bang-boom, out pops me from the old injection molding equipment, and here I am, terrible hair and pasty skin and all. You’re all very welcome, of course.”
Stunned reporters asked Johnson how they might have been able to tell that he was simply as close to an exact copy of Trump as the Chinese factory workers could get, before he made this surprising announcement. Johnson laughed and farted, much like Trump does all the time. Later, witnesses would say that they thought for a brief moment Trump had come back to the UK for another visit with the queen when they smelled Johnson’s fart.
“Well, it’s easy to miss, but there are signs,” Johnson said. “We both like to yell in the press a lot about our perceived enemies. We both scream about fake news media bias. And we’re both bullies who have accomplished absolutely nothing that wasn’t put directly in our tiny little hands.”
The White House did not comment on this story.
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