COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — 38-year-old right-wing pundit, podcaster, Facebook page administrator, and former YouTube star Jethro Bohiggins told his audience last night he had “just gotten the shock” of his life.
Bohiggins said the shock came as he was watching gun videos on the website PornHub. That website has become a refuge for Second Amendment rights activists and people Jethro called “righteous patriotic gun hoarders,” since YouTube announced a new policy banning videos that promote the manufacture or sale of firearms. Jethro said that he was able to watch several videos demonstrating various guns, and that “naturally [he] started sprouting full-on wood.”
“I mean, how can you not get at least a little turned on watching guns shoot? I would say that if you don’t get a semi at the very least from guns, you’re probably not a real American,” Bohiggins told his podcast audience. “Even if you’re a female, you should be getting a lady boner from that stuff.”
Jethro said he spent most of Thursday night hopping from one gun-related video to another. He watched videos of people showing off their handguns, their semi-automatic long rifles, and even their vintage firearms. All of them gave Bohiggins “that tight-crotched feeling.” Before he knew it, Jethro’s pants were down around his ankles and he was working up a “personally intimate sweat.”
“I don’t know about you, fam, but when I watch thirteen, fourteen gun vids in a row, I get that tight-crotched feeling,” Bohiggins admitted. “So, I ain’t afraid to admit it, I dropped my britches, grabbed the jackin’ Crisco — good time to remind you folks to label your jackin’ and your cookin’ Crisco separately, because ooooh boy you do not want to have to explain to your cousin-wife why her deep fried hot dogs taste like your tiny weenie.”
Things were going “perfectly good” for Jethro as he self-pleasured to the videos of people shooting, loading, and demonstrating the various features of different guns. He said that he was “working up into a full blown lather” when things went horribly awry. Tears filled his eyes as he described what happened next.
“PornHub has this category called ‘gangbang,'” Jethro said. “And I’m sure I’m not the only one who would assume that gangbang means a bunch of people shooting their guns. You know, a gang going bang? So I clicked on the first video in that category, and…oh God I’m gonna barf right now, fam!”
Bohiggins leaned over and vomited profusely and violently for several moments. Wiping his face, he came back into view of his webcam. With measured tone and speed, Bohiggins started telling his story again.
“You will not believe what I saw in that video! Human beings…having sexual intercourse and not a single Bible in sight,” Jethro said. “So you know they ain’t fuckin’ for God. They ain’t fuckin’ to make a beautiful baby. They’re just doin’ it to do it! Like…people who enjoy sex! Could you imagine being so craven that you like sex for pleasure and not just procreating with your first or second cousin?”
He was able to close his browser before he saw too much, Jethro said.
“I lost my boner right away, though,” Bohiggins admitted, “and I had to get one of my spare guns out of the spare gun pile to get me back to full patriotic turgidity.”
Jethro also sent an email to the owners of PornHub, demanding they scrub their website of “disgusting, amoral fetish videos” right away. Bohiggins was shocked to get a response back from the PornHub administration team.
“Okay, Jethro, we’ll take down all the disgusting videos that placate a small minority of people’s dangerous obsessions that mask their feelings of sexual inadequacy,” Jethro read the email to his fans.
Then, Bohiggins pointed his browser to PornHub, and was shocked to his core once again.
“Hey! What gives? What the fuck,” Jethro screamed. “They deleted all the gun videos!”
Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: https://www.teechip.com/trumpfamilyvalues
James‘ satire can also be read on Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, and Alternative Science.
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