Bob Mueller Sends Super Secret Coded Message to Congress

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — As FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller delivered his first, highly-anticipated remarks on his two year investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election from the Department of Justice, truly eagle-eyed viewers might have spotted something rather unique — a coded message from Mueller to Congress.

“I was trying to be a sneaky little sneaker, I can admit it now that I’m officially out of the DOJ,” Mueller told a reporter that caught up to him heading to his car in the parking lot. “I hope they picked up on it. I hope the message wasn’t too nuanced like my report.”

In his statement, Mueller made it clear that the biggest reason his report didn’t indict the president was that he literally could not, per Department of Justice guidelines. Mueller also indicated he does not wish to testify before Congress. It’s unclear whether he’d respond to a subpoena, and it’s also unclear at this stage if Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi will support moving toward impeachment hearings.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t even have to send the message if they’d just read the fucking report,” Mueller said.

Mr. Mueller indicated his intentions were simple.

“All I wanted to do is give Congress a nice, visual cue as to what my report says should happen next,” Mueller told the plucky reporter. “In case, you know, people keep not fucking reading it, which would really resolve a lot of these issues. But until Sean Hannity screams at people to read it, there’s always going to be 30% of the country who are completely clueless as to why things are happening like they are.”

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Mr. Mueller also announced that he was leaving the DOJ and retiring.

“Before I went home, I just wanted to do everything I could to clue Congress and the American people into what should be going down right about now,” Mueller explained. “So I had one of my assistants make up the message and put it behind me.”

Reached for comment, Speaker Pelosi said she “still doesn’t get it.”

“Was Bob Mueller trying to tell me something? I’m sorry, I must’ve missed it,” Pelosi said to reporters. “I was too distracted by the noise my hands wringing over whether or not to do the right thing, the thing that the Constitution says I must do, or whether to worry more about donors and election results. Tough call, everyone. I’ll let you know, but right now I’m leaning fairly strongly toward thinking about maybe possibly potentially taking action at some point down the line, perhaps.”

This is a developing and frustrating AF story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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