Billionaire Will Be ‘Forced to Hide Money’ From Different Country If Biden Raises His Taxes

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AVARICE FALLS, ILLINOIS — Oliver Garkus made his first million dollars when he was not quite 30 years old, though to be completely accurate, it was money he made selling stocks in a portfolio left to him by his oil magnate grandfather, but he still very much so considers himself a “self-made” rich man. Garkus, now 68, told Wealthy WASP’s Monthly in a new interview published last week that he does not, under any circumstances, support the Biden administration’s proposed multi-trillion dollar infrastructure plan, citing reports that it means people like him would see their income and corporate tax rates go up.

“First off, we got through the 17th, 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries without broadband Internet access for everyone. Why should the 21st century be any different,” Garkus asked rhetorically before opening up his smartphone to execute a day trade. “Poor people in particular probably shouldn’t have that much information at their fingertips. I mean, do we really trust them with anything they learn? What if they learn stuff that we don’t want them to learn. Very dangerous.”

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Ultimately, Garkus says that even if he agreed that infrastructure should include things that every American needs to have access to in the modern age, he still wouldn’t support Biden’s plans. He warned, as well, that if the plan is signed into law, it will have “major impacts” on him, and many of his very wealthy friends. Mr. Garkus says that he and his peers will be “forced to hide money” from a different country’s tax collection agency, because they’ll all leave America.

“We’ll all leave the United States and be forced to hide our money in offshore accounts from some other country then,” Garkus warned. “So Americans need to ask themselves a question — do they want the super wealthy to hide money from tax collectors in another country, or do they want us fucking over everyone here in the good ol’ U-S of A?”

Garkus calls himself a “deeply patriotic guy” but that he does not feel it’s his “job to help pay into the system that made [his] family rich.”

“Is it not my right to kick the ladder out from everyone trying to climb up it like my grandpa did? Is it not my duty as a rich American to do as very little to help keep America going as humanly possible,” Garkus asked. “I mean, why aren’t more people defending my right to keep food out of the mouths of the poor? What has this country even come to?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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